That being said, I have trained my body, my metabolism, to put on weight... by starving it unintentionally.
Psychologists say that 9 out of 10 people eat when stressed. Must be nice for them, but I make up the 1/10 who don't or feel they can't eat when stressed.
You see, I have a stress-based disorder. It's GERD: Gastro-Esophogeal Reflux Disease. Basically, my body makes way too much stomach acid and when I'm stressed, I make even more and it goes up and burns my esophagus and churns in my stomach and causes me to throw up everything I eat and/or have trouble "down below".
When I get stressed and I can feel my stomach going, I have developed a fear of eating. This doesn't happen very much anymore, but it's there.
So... combined with that, when I'm busy, I don't think about food. I just GO. Just keep giving me coffee, tea, iced tea, etc. and I'll keep working... all day long.
When I started teaching, I lost a lot of weight. Teachers, at least in my experience, work non-stop for about 10 hours a day. Running around classrooms, sitting in meetings, planning, marking, calling parents... it's busy. Everything seems to lean on everything else, so we have to stay on top of things or the whole house of cards might come down.
About a year ago, I realised that for 2 years, I hadn't been eating almost all day long.
I'd get up and have some orange juice or tea or coffee and then I would maybe have an apple a few hours later, maybe just more tea. I'd come home from work at 4 or 5 and be STARVING. I'd eat and pass out, exhausted.
I did this for 2 years.
My body LEARNED that it wasn't going to get much food... when I actually totalled my calories I was consuming about 800 calories a day on average. My stomach was tiny and I didn't feel hungry, but I was tired a lot, my skin was dark, my hair was frizzy, and everything just felt... limp and tired.
My friends can attest that for a while I was skin and bones. Not eating much combined with walking everywhere after a lifetime of driving --I was down from 130 to 112 pounds. My hip bones jutted out 2 inches. My doctors perilously warned me not to lose any more weight, and while I knew they were right, I secretly felt triumphant.
But I don't anymore.
About a year ago, I decided I needed to eat during the day. I made myself take a lunch. Gradually I've worked myself into eating breakfast and lunch everyday. Now, I'm averaging out at 1500 calories a day, but my body, who for years lived on nothing, is like "we're getting energy! let's store it in case this stops!" and I'm putting on "bad weight".
I've also started a moderate exercise routine to tone up. My friend, who would be an excellent personal trainer, told me I have to retrain my body to use the energy as I get it, not store it. I have to keep feeding it regularly and exercising for long amounts of time. I have to ignore the cellulite on my thighs and wait... it will burn away eventually.
Deep down I know he's right. I was up to 125 and after 2 weeks back at the gym I'm already at 120. My body is learning that I will feed her at least 3 times a day. She'll get plenty of energy like potato salad and rice, and also plenty of nutrients like asparagus and spinach and salad. She'll get eggs and chicken and steak. She's very happy about this, might I add.
The hard part is knowing that I could just live off of fruit and yogurt for a few days, shrink my stomach back down and lose the cellulite in about a week by just not eating.
But this is bigger than having jiggly thighs... this is about long term health and happiness.
I have energy to go to the gym. I sleep better. I feel stronger. My skin is more taught and radiant. I laugh more. The endorphins are totally working. I've also made some good friends going to the gym and playing soccer.
So this summer, if I can't buy the size bathing suit I could last year, too bad. There's more of me. There's more muscle. There's more to be reckoned with... and some of it is jiggly.
=)
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