2014 Year in Review: Lessons in Faith and Humility

Dear Fabulous Family and Friends, 

As many of you know, I like to round out the year reflecting and scraping out the lessons my heart has learned this year... No matter how boring or busy or tedious a month is, I'm convinced that I have grown and learned at least one thing every month of the year. Many of my friends are saying goodbye to 2014 with a wave and a kick in the pants, happy to see this difficult year gone. If I were going to whiddle my year down to a few mantras, they might be: rest when you can, just keep swimming, appreciate the small things, God will provide. 

Let me explain: 

January: 2014 started with me feeling low and sad because I didn't get to see my family at Christmas. This is the first and only time I have not seen my family at Christmas and I'm perfectly happy never to do it again. Nevertheless, I started out NYE with some amazing London Friends and was actually out at a pub dancing to some awesome DJs :) Later in the month, St. Lukes held their birthday party and I swing danced into 2014.
When I got into the swing of things at work in February I'd taken on a bit of a new post that involved collaborating with a neighboring school. While I really enjoyed the experience and we're repeating the program this year, collaborating is difficult when both parties are very busy. I'm learning more to let myself rely on others and join into partnerships and not just do everything on my own.

In March I started learning about opening my heart up for the possibility of love. The efficient woman in me was tired. Letting others love me was important. Being busy isn't an excuse to turn off your heart. Which was sort of important because around the same time I met a man who struck my fancy and we've become very good friends.

April had to be the highlight of my year -- my really good friend Kristin got married, Brittany came up for the wedding, and all my best friends were together for a short amazing time of staying up late making brownies in cups, bride manicures, dance parties to Shakira radio, and culminating with a "30th birthday party" for me as a surprise 3 months early and with my family.

May became the month that I got very verbal about everyone else's accomplishments as a way to foster community and progress. I nominated a friend for a teaching award and she won. Writing the teaching bio for her brought me to tears and even though I couldn't be there on the awards ceremony night, I realized the importance of shouting about other people's accomplishments and not just our own.

In June I turned 30 and had an epic birthday party in the park with water balloons. I also really let down my housemates by needing to write a paper the weekend we moved house and not really doing my share of the moving and cleaning. Sometimes series of events happen that lead to you letting other people down and all you can do is try your hardest, ask for forgiveness, and try to be better. I'm rarely on the "letting people down" side of this lesson in humility and it was good for me. Thankfully my housemates are forgiving, lovely people.

Speaking of lovely people, in July I attended language school in Faro, Portugal for two weeks and stayed at a beautiful, friendly hostel. I thought about my purpose in life a lot... I feel a pull to work with Brazil and learn Portuguese, but this man in my life is UK based. Going to language school seemed to reaffirm my passion and commitment, though with my Master's degree, I will also admit that I haven't practiced since July (hanging head in shame).

August brought old friends to London as my housemates and I hosted a slew of friends. My high school bestie, Jenny Moore, and Brazilian buddy, Tiago, came to stay with me and I massively enjoyed their company. The world is full of kindred spirits and that definitely makes it a friendlier, happier, lovelier place to be. If you need to travel, crash at someone's house #fosho.

September brought exam data analyzation panic at school and pretty much every time I speak to the Head Teacher Ofsted, the government inspectors, are mentioned. While I appreciate that she's #keepingitreal and also trying to keep the staff positive, #thestruggleisreal. What I've learned is that there is not a lot that cannot be weathered with a can-do attitude. Meanwhile, God has continued to bless my program and all of my students did really well. I've been getting a lot of positive recognition in my career, though I'm not sure what to do with it really. I started the second year of my 2.5 year Masters degree program and I've mostly been keeping my head down, trying to stay positive, and #justkeepswimming.

Once October started and we caught our breath from the start of the year, we realized that in 2 months we'd taken in almost as many new students in 2 months as we did ALL LAST YEAR. While the government keeps adjusting their policies and our team is trying to roll with the punches, all I kept seeing is the end of Beauty and the Beast... Belle has gone back to help her father and the villagers are attacking... Beast sits up in his room moping when various pieces of enchanted furniture come in to tell him to brace for an attack. In an attitude of resigned despair, he retorts "Let them come..." Ofsted is changing their policies... "Let them come." We're getting 75 new students in 2.5 months... "Let them come." Your classes are overflowing and we need to keep changing the class lists and schedule. "Let them come." #justkeepswimming became the mantra of my life.

By the time November got here, and I started to lose my mind, my church had a great worship night and the words of Jesus to Martha have been ringing in my head ever since. "You are worried and anxious about many things, but only one thing is needed." I need Jesus... not to help me... not just to save me... I just need him. To be with him. To be in his presence. And you know what? Everything else happened as well. The days I was too busy to go grocery shopping, my housemate just happened to be making a lovely dinner I could partake in. I was provided for. I could return the favor when I was having a light week. When my to do list starts to swirl in my mind, these verses often come back to me. I am not a teacher to get things done, but to love, educate, and support children. I can't control if inspectors are coming or if they "see" my classroom and children the way I do. I can't control how many children need my services, but if they are there, they are my responsibility and, frankly, my pleasure to educate, even if I'm tired and understaffed.

As December descended upon me I was tired. I have learned that I don't have to do everything. God will provide not only for me, but for everyone else as well. God sometimes chooses NOT to use me to provide for everyone else. I helped organize Angel Tree at my church this year (as I've done for 3 years), but pulled back from my other voluntary commitments. Yes, I miss doing it. Yes, I get twinges of guilt. But part of balancing the seasons of life you experience is knowing what to say yes and no to. I could give one epic day wrapping 150 presents for Angel Tree, I could not give weekly time commitments like I had been. When my Masters degree is over, I can prayerfully consider what to go for again. Everyone has 24 usable hours of everyday, but not more. God will provide for others what I can't do for them today. I am limited. God is not.

Last year God tried to tell me that others would still love me even if I wasn't perfect and serving them all the time. I feel like this year was proof of that. I messed up. I let go. I was unavailable. And people reached out to me in love when I needed it and I got to see how loved I am. Doing an MA while working full time at a very demanding job isn't something I would recommend to anyone, but I felt like I was called to do it and I've enjoyed my learning and I've also grown a lot personally and professionally.

God has also provided small moments of solace for me: delightful, cheerful housemates; early morning sunrise bike rides, friends and family who check in and love on me with their presence and encouragement and prayers. I am very blessed. I will continue to try to pass on that blessing to everyone I meet.


Thank you, awesome church family, St. Lukes. Thank you amazing housemates (Martin, Paula, Dizzi). Thank you fabulous friends who are too numerous to name. Thank you family who gets me and lets me be me. Thank you supportive and encouraging co-workers.

The words from the communion liturgy just came into my mind:
The Lord is here.
His Spirit is with us.
It is right to give him thanks and praise. <3 p="">
As a side note, I've been posting Bible verses and quotes that stand out to me at this tumblr.

Ok 2015, come and get me. I'm ready.

Tonight I can write...

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.... Pablo Neruda 

Sometimes people make choices for you and you get some ice cream, and even if you didn't have any part of the decision making process, and even if you don't particularly love the flavor they picked, you still get ice cream, and that's usually ok unless you're diabetic or lactose intolerant.

Then sometimes people make decisions for you and it means that no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you felt their love, and they said they loved you, they choose not to communicate with you or answer your communication. This type of decision pretty much sucks because you want to have faith in this person. You want to believe that the love meant something. You want to believe that you aren't the kind of person who can be thrown away. You want to believe that all of this non-communication is for a reason, that there's some answer to it all that maybe you just don't see right now and if this person would just get back to you everything would be clear.

I discovered Pablo Neruda in middle school and he's been one of my favorite poets since then. This amazing poem has so often been my comfort when relationships go on pause or end or turn sour. It encompasses all the "not thereness" you feel, staring up at the beautiful night sky, feeling the cool evening breeze, knowing that any other night, this person would be there with you, shielding you from the chill, but now you shiver and the moon is so bright and shining down on you, seemingly asking you where your person is... Where is he? He's far away and I tried to talk to him and he's not responding and I want to believe it's for a reason, but, Moon, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just you and me.

Because though it is easier not talking, let's face it, it's easier, especially when the Moon is shining on us from so far away... When I can't reach out and grab his hand to make him look at me, or feel his eyes searching me for an answer. When he can't see my lips purse suddenly as I have a thought and he can read the meaning without me saying... when those things can't happen, talking isn't easy.

It isn't easy, but part of me is rebellious because this wasn't my choice - not entirely. Even if I agree, it wasn't decided with me, it was decided for me, and now I just don't know what. That little voice in my heart believes even when practicalities tell me to give up hope. And walking home with the Moon, past the groups of people heading out, past the pairs and trios of friends laughing and smoking cigarettes on their way home, past the couples leaning into each other away from the breeze, holding hands... And me, staring up at the Moon, wondering if he was staring up at the moon and thinking of me; Staring up at the moon and missing the dark, smiling eyes, the freckle at the end of his nose, the list could go on... Just missing... a lot seems missing tonight, but thank you Moon, for the brilliant light, for shining... I needed you tonight. 

"The Best Way to Fight Terrorism: Education" - One Interview with Malala

I won't bungle this blog with a lot of words. I hope you've seen the interview Malala did with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Besides the great irony he shows with his NJ joke, he does sit back and let Malala do most of the talking.

On being asked about how to end terrorism: 

"I think education is the best way.... Going to school isn't only learning about different subjects. It teaches you communication; it teaches you how to live a life. It teaches you about history; it teaches you about how science is working and other than that, you learn about equality because students are provided with the same benches, they sit equally. It shows us equality; it teaches us how to live with others - how to accept different languages, how to accept each others' traditions and each others religions. It also teaches justice; it also teaches respect. It teaches us to live together - that's why I support sending children to school because it's the best way to fight terrorism." 

Once again, the invisible, unofficial curriculum wins.

we're in the same boat now

"We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now." ~ MLK Jr. 

The sky is blue and dotted with low-flying clouds like pillows strewn across the heavens. The breeze is gently rustling the trees and it's a comfortable spring temperature here in London. Tomorrow is July 4th and I'll be missing the patriotic shenanigans in the USA: bbqs, picnics, parades, flags, fireworks, and the food--oh the food!

I can't help but think of my country with a reminiscent, sad, yet proud melange of feeling. The downfall of DOMA, the arming of the Syrian rebels, the slow but steady end to the war in Afghanistan, and all the discussion and (some) action regarding Guatanamo Bay... With Newton and Hurricane Sandy in our wake, Occupy Wallstreet, and a slow crawl out of a recession, the USA, it seems, is in the middle of a bad high school research paper.

In middle school, at some point or another, a woman with a bun and a pencil skirt will lecture on the nature of narrative conflict, and outline the four main types:

• man versus man 
• man versus nature
• man versus society 
• man versus self

While so many movements in the US seem to be moving toward unity, freedom, love, care, so many others seem to favor power, greed, and general disunity. And it seems like everyone disagrees about all of the different issues from business policies, to women's health care, to hipsters. And going beyond merely disagreeing, we won't listen to each other, or even let each other finish speaking, but we make memes, and react and shut each other down and build walls against each other, build boxes of right and wrong and put our friends in them based on the issues that we agree with and disagree with. 

We are a country divided in our hearts, not just on specific issues, but against ourselves when we believe that anyone who doesn't agree with us, must be an enemy, must be against us, must be thwarted. Abraham Lincoln famously said 

"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?"

Yet we set each other on the prowl for potential enemies when we use the "team" mentality, making us feel traitorous if we grow to disagree or learn something new. We might all come from different places, religions, traditional socio-economic backgrounds, ethnicities, etc., but as MLK Jr said, "we're all in the same boat now." This is our country, our world, for better or worse, and we need to work together, and work for each other. We may have differing views on family breakdown in Western nations, but whether you think children need mom's and dad's or just loving adults supporting them, it's clear that when there is dissension in the home, trouble follows. As Jesus said in Matthew 12: 25: 

"Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

One of the most beautiful movements I'm seeing spread across not only the USA, but the world: pockets of people committed and passionate about community, family, and justice. Groups of people not just tolerating differences, but celebrating them--knocking the walls down to let the neighbors in and share their lives and traditions and love with them, regardless of whether or not they agree. 

Accordingly, in nature we see that the strongest, most complex organisms aren't homogenous, but rather heterogenous, with all the different cells and parts communicating together effectively. In the last year certain homogenous groups like Westboro Baptist Church and other groups have been wheedling down into nothing, regardless of the hate mongering that happens. And homogenous battle might have worked for the Spartans, but their tiny society collapsed long ago. 

Instead of gazing inward only towards our circle, we need to see each other, not with the eyes of judgement, but with discernment and perspicacity, and ultimately with compassion because we're all broken and messed up. We've all got baggage and pain to share, and we all need mercy and humility and grace and a friend to give us the strength to move forward. It's not acceptable to cry for mercy when we mess up and rage for justice for our neighbor: 

"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."

And here Abe Lincoln correctly asserts that many of the things which legislatures are writing, judging, and passing are not what they would rally for if they were or if they knew the people who suffered from the laws they passed. Not just knew they existed. Not just knew statistics about them. But really knew them, spent time with them, and listened to their stories and their hearts.

"We're all in the same boat now," and all over the world people aren't tolerating injustice. Rebellions, demonstrations, and protests are sprouting in countries, cities, and communities across the globe from Brazil to Egypt to the UK. Unrest in North and Sub-Saharan Africa escalates and dissipates only to escalate again. Education is growing in parts of the world, but the equality gap widening in many 'affluent' countries, and scandal after scandal is uncovering the rampant greed and manipulation that plagues much of the world. Hunger, disease, slavery, poverty... and I'm just talking about my hometown. MLK Jr. again declares:

"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.... Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." 

We need to get out of our own heads and see others, listen to others, invest in others. In a data driven world which has found a million ways to analyze contemporary life, it seems we've lost sight of what we were trying to gain. MLK Jr. had a dream...

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." 

And it seems that some of us, in fighting for or against equality, be it between religions, races, sexes, ages, people with disabilities, people with different sexual orientations, etc., we lose the importance of having integrity, of developing our character, and being people of character. As St. Paul so scandalously declares in Galatians 3: 28 (so much so that he got ran out of town):

"There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." 

If you want to label me, I'm a 20-something, white, middle-class, educated, independent/liberal, Christian, American woman. I don't claim to have the monopoly on truth or love or goodness, in fact, I mess up a lot, and the most poignant things I said were stolen from MLK Jr., Lincoln, and Jesus. I see so much happening to rip up the structures that propogated hate and injustice, but I also see new hates and new forms of injustice born, and old loves drown through unlistening voices. I love my country; I'm a proud American, but America, like the rest of the world, is broken, and we need to work together to heal her.

And so I'll leave you with one of the lesser known verses of The Star-Spangled Banner:

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall standBetween their loved home and the war's desolation!Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued landPraise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall waveO'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

 Happy Independence Day!