Memories that aren't really Memories

Sometimes I think something is wrong with my brain because I'll remember big events like weddings and concerts and vacations, but I often remember these minute moments within the big events extraordinarily distinctly.

I just got back from a road trip to Maine with my mom. It was a great time had by all. But the thing I remember, which completely cracked me up, was driving... not just the conditions of the road, but more than how beautiful the lake and forest and general scenery was, more than the stories we told and food we ate, I remembered driving up singing Disney songs with my mom and explaining the meaning of the lyrics to "All the Single Ladies" and the shock when my mom recognized Taylor Swift songs that I have on my ipod (for the gym) (Ok it's a guilty pleasure).

Last summer a good friend from Boston got married and we drove up in a group to go to the wedding, and as soon as we hit Massachusetts, the people driving just went mental. And every single joke we made about "massholes" came back to me while driving through MA with my mom... every single one :)

And this sparks further memories of driving up to Boston to see said friend years ago and there was this terrible mystery smell... TERRIBLE! And I could see the people there and where I was sitting in the car and everything, but more than all of that, I remembered that there was this horrific smell.

While the entire week with my mom was a lot of fun, the double take I did when my mom casually mentioned "this is Taylor Swift, isn't it?" will stay in my mind a lot longer.

It's like a memory that isn't a real "memory"... it's this seemingly insignificant piece of information that I've grasped onto and my mind has its Vulcan death grip on and will stay forever as a wrinkle on my brain.

Just like in high school where I was sure I would learn calculus a lot faster if I didn't have every comic book cartoon theme song and a million jingles burned into my mind. I wonder how much "space" I've used up in the endless filing cabinet of my brain for random bits of information, TV commercials, and miscellaneous moments.

The end.

Belonging

So this is not the exact bird that I saw in my park running this weekend, but it's the same species of bird. I saw two of these birds, feral parrots, apparently, or parakeets, snuggling in the frigid air of the South London park, and it drew me out of my jog into a full stop as I quizzically stared up at the tree branch thinking Why beautiful birds? Why? You could live anywhere! Anywhere! It's SO cold! You don't belong here... 

At this point I felt pretty dumb staring up at the trees while all the joggers I had previously passed ran by me, so I pretended to stretch while I watched the birds snuggling in the frigid winter air.

I thought, if you've got a buddy, you could probably belong anywhere... and the one bird facing me pondered me back with the one-eyed way of birds when they look at you and sit really still, and eventually, the other bird, who was nuzzling my admirer, turned around and watched me as well, as if to say, Do you mind? We're nuzzling here! 

***

There's a new fox in my neighborhood. How do I know he's new? Because he walks everywhere looking terrified... all the other seasoned foxes know the alley cats' territory, know who walks around drunk, and where all the good bins are... plus, this guy is still pretty plush and clean looking. 

I was walking home from the gym and I saw him sneaking under a fence (foxes always look like they're sneaking somewhere) and he stopped and stared at me with his gorgeous, suspicious yet knowing fox face--is this creature dangerous?--it seemed to think, taking me in. I did what I do with all nervous animals, don't make eye contact, and go about my business as though I'm ignoring it... it shows dominance and sometimes makes them think they haven't been spotted... but he knew. 

How can the feral parrots (saying that will never get old) just so naturally fit in to the atmosphere at the park, all of their body language saying this is my tree, back up off!--and my lil friend the fox seem so out of sorts, as if he knew he should be hiding behind a barn in the countryside, preparing to snatch a chicken? 

Because, let's face it--what's natural isn't always what's literal any more .. I mean, parrots are tropical... and that's just the tip of the iceberg... So methinks that perhaps belonging is a state of your mind, your heart, rather than the biological or natural or expected state of circumstances. I'm not just talking nuclear family either. 

Belonging is more than just the extended people who accept you for you--it's being able to grow and use your gifts and accept others' gifts. It's the barter system of love and community that goes way beyond the social contract. 

After feeling like London was home, but that I didn't belong here... I'm finally starting to know what that feels like. ::warm fuzzies:: 

Whatever happened to "the meek shall inherit the earth"?: Part 2--abortion

So this series of posts based around meekness and love is an attempt at finding a new perspective to some recent debates in the news. Recently abortion and contraception has been a hot issue in the news, and the NY Times has even admitted that single women are a fast-growing demographic which could very well affect the 2012 election.

While a lot of hurtful words have been thrown around which I'll try not to repeat, I'm going to try to broker some understanding on each side: pro-choice and pro-life.

Charles M. Blow proffers "Even if you are personally pro-life you don’t have to be universally anti-choice." A few of my friends responded positively and negatively to this saying

Pro-life: You can't just say "it's not ok for me to have an abortion, but it's ok for everyone else to." 

Pro-Choice: We can't force our religious opinions on anyone. Being pro-choice is not being pro-abortion. 

I can see both sides to this issue. I have almost never met a woman who was "pro-abortion" although I understand they exist. 

Some "moments" from friends who have had touches with abortion. 

A friend who had an abortion when she was 13 (she now has a child), has confessed she wakes up every year on her first child's would-be birthday (due date) with really bad nightmares. 

A friend who is a nurse watched a woman die because her baby was killing her and she refused to abort though if she had she would have lived and would have had to have another baby. 

Praying at an abortion clinic in Harrisburg for a few years, I saw many, many girls forced into the building by parents, boyfriends, and husbands. 

Reading statistics, majority of abortions are performed by successful women who just don't want children at the time. 

Where I feel the real problem comes in is that we want to legislate this. We want to make a law that can encompass every situation that will come up. And lots of pro-choice people ask, "but what about if the mother is in danger? but what if the mother is raped? but what if the baby is the product of incest? what if the baby has significant deformities? what if the baby will be born into extreme poverty?" 

And those questions are very hard to answer. 

And the pro-life people ask, "isn't every life sacred? is it the baby's fault for her/his circumstances? are we qualified to, or justified in ending a life that's been created in us?" 

Even without getting into religious arguments or silly arguments about "legitimate rape," I think the real problem is that no law, no matter how complex, can weigh every situation that will come up when it comes to abortion, and both sides hold passionate and valid points. 

You see, it's easy to dismiss the other argument in a debate, but when you have a 13 year old girl who's been raped by her uncle, it's a different story. 

When you have a woman whose life is slipping away, it's a different story. 

When you've seen rich women have 3 abortions so they don't ruin their figure, it's a different story. 

When you've watched teenagers get beaten by their fathers and dragged to the clinic to get abortions, it's a different story. 

When you have girls so desperate, they will use coat hangers and give their bodies over to strangers to relieve them of this blessed responsibility, it's a different story. 

We want to create a law which will reconcile our hearts to the horror that is abortion, but really we just can't. We can't reconcile our hearts to the (ok I'm totally judging them) callous women who use abortion as a type of extreme birth control. We can't reconcile our hearts to the woman who dies refusing to abort her baby. We can't say in our hearts that justice was done. We can't believe that something good will happen either way. We can only talk in grey comparatives like "it would be better if," or "it could have been worse." 

While I would love for there to be no need for abortion ever, while some may say there never is a need for abortion, I can't say that it's my responsibility to make that choice. I can't say in my heart that it's a judge's responsibility, the government's responsibility, or even the Supreme Court's responsibility. 

I would love to see the education about abortion rise. I would love to see the rates of rape and incest go down. I would love for no woman to ever have health problems related to pregnancy. I would love for every woman to have sex in a loving marriage and be ready for the children she's helped create... but I can't make those things happen. I can only hope and pray. 

I can only talk with women one by one. I can only pray and cry with them. I can only listen to their stories and try to help them live (or die) with whatever decision they make. 

But something deep inside me feels it only right that God cover these decisions. That God's love cover the mothers, the babies, the fathers, the grandparents. God's love is bigger than this issue, and I think we all need more quietness, prayer and counselling, kindness and forgiveness as we discuss it. Jesus came not to abolish the law, but to fulfil it, and His Love--full of forgiveness, mercy, and hope, is the fulfilling of all laws. 

Whatever happened to "the meek shall inherit the earth?": Part 1 -- the working-mom show-down

"God is not a Republican or a Democrat" 

I came into contact with this catch phrase in college. It was the infamous Bush/Kerry election and that stupid song "this land is my land" song got stuck in my head for weeks on end. People got into intense arguments, completely convinced that they had biblical evidence as to why their opinion was the "right" opinion. And to be fair, both sides had good points and only mildly abused the scriptures (jk.... no really... not... jk).

So another election is under way and the religious vote and religious issues have been making headlines for more than a year already. Women's issues, Civil Rights, poverty, joblessness, government programs, and abortion have been making headlines and the media wars have already left scars on many of my friends.

I'm going to skim through some of these issues, in no way giving comprehensive arguments, but trying to summarise and leave some insight instead.

So, issue 1: Working Moms

I was chilling on the back porch with a good friend the other day. Her mom has never really worked. She got to be at every sporting event, every teacher meeting, she baked for every school event, was home every day when she and her sister came home from school. She feels completely blessed by her stay-at-home mom.

I, on the other hand, had a mom who worked. She could pick me up from school if I were sick and drop me off at home before going back to work. I learned to take care of myself. I learned to get my homework done before mom got home. I helped my brother with his homework and sometimes even started dinner. I learned a lot of self-sufficiency and about serving others. My mom was there for me, but she had other responsibilities as well.

So... a few months ago, someone who used to work for the Democratic National Party said that Mrs. Romney "never worked a day in her life" and the entire country exploded. I loved the passion that working mothers and stay-at-home mom's alike defended their roles. Truly "the female of the species is more deadly than the male." But really, we all know that at the end of the day, unless a woman's husband has an awesome job, both sets of women feel pretty conflicted about staying at home or working when children are involved. I know a lot of women who rely on their husbands when they're finishing college or going to graduate school or just having children. They feel guilty over every purchase. They go without things they would just buy when they had their own purchases... I've seen a lot of very stoic women who rely on their husband's sometimes limited pay.

On the other hand, women who work constantly feel guilty. They constantly feel like they're missing moments in their children's lives, that they are too tired to be there for their children, that their husbands might not stay interested in them if they're too boring and some of them worry that they'll replace moments with things since they have more money than time.

I know that women emphasise the importance of choice in a lot of women's rights issues, but, let's face it, some women, especially single moms and impoverished families don't have this option--they don't have as many choices as some others.

But as my friend and I sipped our coffee, we wondered "Why do women take this incredibly vulnerable issue and just make each other feel worse? What would happen if the stay-at-home moms and the working moms worked together?" What if my friend stayed at home with my kids and loved them while I made some money and worked? I could financially bless her family, she could bless my family with her time.

Neither of us have kids right now, but it seemed like we made this silent pact to support one another if we ever had kids at the same time. And even if we don't, or aren't in the same area, I know we'll reach our arms out into the community to find families we can bless with our respective offers of love.

I know this idea can be much more complicated than "find a friend who stays home," but I feel like the concept is fairly simple--instead of feeling superior for staying at home or going to work, don't judge one another, and just feel the blessing that you are offering one another.

I personally don't feel like I'd be a great stay-at-home mom. We don't need to talk about it now, and I reserve the right to change my mind (it's my perogative), but I don't feel guilty for wanting to work, and I don't feel sorry for anyone who wants to stay home. It's just life circumstances, so let's bless one another and highlight that silver lining.

Don't see your nanny as less than you, don't see your babysitters as unimportant, don't see working moms as unloving or irresponsible. Focus on kindness and understanding and let's love one another.

My Nephews Are Super Heroes

I have two nephews... 15 years old and 7. They are absolutely super. There is something in little boys so that when they see a need, they jump in. In my limited experience of 28 years, there seems to be a time when men fade into themselves and don't always offer their strength anymore. Definitely not all men, but watching my nephews jump in with all their boyish prowess is beautiful and manly and endearing.

not really my nephew 

We went to the zoo yesterday with my nephew (7). He ran around snapping photos of the animals with his camera like a pro. There is an awesome playground at the zoo and us adults got a cold beverage and sat at the picnic table while he ran around to his hearts content. Soon, some friends came and there were 3 other girls that he knew to play with on the playground. He comes running over to us! "Breylin needs someone to push her on the swing!" Without getting up, Breylin's dad glanced over... "I'm sure you can push her buddy." and went back to his cigarette and adult chat. Ethan, ever ready, runs back to the damsel, sitting on her swing, glancing around as Daddy doesn't get up. Ethan charges to her aid and gives her 2 mighty big pushes (this girl is nearly as big as him and his 7-year-old-self) and then jumps on his own swing and catches up.

In the car on the way home, AC broke... like ya do in Jersey, the windows were DOWN, which gave my sister-in-law and brother some breeze in the front seat and created a wind tunnel of death in the back. Maddie gave Ethan a blanket and when I got cold and was crouching down to avoid the air, Ethan in all his ingenious boyness, holds the blanket up in front of the window to block the wind from me. The frozen damsel looked over and her hero had an ironman blanket held up to defend her from the freezing blast! And then we made a tent and made animal noises underneath it and talked about the zoo.

My other nephew, though not quite so heroic as little E-man, went about at the family bqq quietly asking everyone if he could help them at the age of 15. He did half a dozen odd little jobs for everyone from me, to the grill man, to my grandmother, always offering his seat, always standing if not enough chairs, always getting little things from inside for people, waiting for everyone else to eat first, helping clean up other people's plates. This is not something I usually encounter. I'm so impressed by these awesome boys and I hope they keep this sense of active-love in their hearts as they grow up. If more and more young boys (and girls) live like this, I have great hope for our world.