Letting Go

So I run a pretty fab team of ESL teachers at my high school. We have good times, have lunch together frequently, like going to parties, get pretty good work out of the students. We've got routines. We've got team work. We know each other's strengths and weaknesses.

So when one of my best teachers informed me she was going for a job interview, I felt my heart drop into my kidneys... it was not fun.

I felt extremely torn. On the one hand, she's my friend, she'd fabulous and any institution would be lucky to have her; on the other hand, tears of sadness sprung into my eyes at the thought of her leaving, not to mention all of her skill, experience, and expertise - she would be difficult and expensive to replace.

Let's be honest - I could have been a complete jerk. Threatened her with giving a bad reference. I could have refused to let her take off work with pay. I could have done a lot of things. But part of training and mentoring my team members should mean that one day they go off and run teams of their own, right? Doesn't this simply mean I've done my job well?

The other not-so-small twinge of doubt that also sidled into my mind told me that maybe my image of a happy and whole department was an illusion of my own making - maybe my department wasn't happy and I haven't done a very good job at leading and mentoring them. #shock #horror #dunDunDUN!


So how do I broach that potentially very awkward conversation?

The only way I know how to move forward in situations like this is just to be as honest and genuine as I can be, showing both sides of my mind and be open and candid. I didn't want to use manipulative, emotional pleas. I didn't want to be a tool. I didn't want to worry about our department - people have come and go before and we've moved on, yet I also wanted to make sure she knew how valued she was in our department.

While everything worked out - the interviewers and she decided they didn't want each other - and she also let me know before the interview that she was happy on our team (other family concerns prompted the application), I can't pretend that I'll work with the same team forever. I had to let go of many things to do the right thing - trying to control this situation would have spat on a good team member and definitely broken up the team bond we have.

While I don't want to sound like I'm patting myself on the back, I'm glad I had the integrity and heart to be honest and vulnerable, and in a sense, be weak as the situation transpired. Even if it doesn't turn out the same way in the future and I 'lose' a great team member, knowing that I'm doing right for them personally, professionally, not merely thinking of change as a threat, makes me feel as though I've grown as a leader.

It's sometimes a long, lonely road - leading a fairly high-functioning team in a difficult school - but I love the challenge and I love the ladies I face the challenge with. It's as much my responsibility to do right by them than as to do right by our performance tables.

Ok, good talk, guys! 

2013 Year in Review:

Every year I like to look back at all the things I've done, circumstances I've gone through, amazing experiences I've had and all the awesome people God's brought into my life. This is going to be a bit long, but well done for making it to the end in advance! :) 

January: The year started with a bang! I had an awesome NYE in the US with friends (the first in a long time). When I made it back to London work came crashing down with an Ofsted inspection as soon as we started work. A midst the panic we made it through and were given a Good (for those out of the UK teaching system loop, the Grades are: Unsatisfactory, Requires Improvement, Good, Outstanding.) We'd never been good before and it was a huge accomplishment for our school, which had been deemed Unsatisfactory 5 years before. I also celebrated the first anniversary of the reopening of St. Luke's church with an amazing ceilidh (Scottish folk dancing) celebration. 

February: After ALL of January, I needed a break so I took myself to Rome and enjoyed the amazing history and art there. I took a million photos, hung out with nice people in my hostel, stupidly wore converse (not the best walking shoes in the world), and tried as many kinds of pasta as I could. It was amazing to see all the different cultures and religions that have existed in Rome mingling together in all of the art, monuments and culture. It was beautiful. 

March: More than anything else, 2013 has been a time when I wanted to get my health in order. I've never been very sporty, and I signed up for the Tough Mudder in order to MAKE myself train. In March I got serious about going to the gym, especially a power circuits class (think Crossfit) and I started reading too many articles on LiveStrong Blog and my 2 besties convened and had a "Come to Jesus" meeting with me being a bit too obsessed about my "health" aka my body image/food choices... This is the best part about having best friends - when they love you enough to tell you about yourself. The end of March also was when I got very ill, which put a huge damper on my Tough Mudder training and my doctors told me I couldn't train and I was depressed and sick and in general not happy with myself. 

April: Despite being sick for most of April, I took myself to Nice, France, a gorgeous beach area on the Mediterranean and hung out with Abbie, a lovely girl from college that came back into my life when she did grad school in Birmingham. It was lovely getting close with her, and it was lovely running around the beaches and through tangled old cities and trying to speak French. With 2 weeks till the Tough Mudder, I got myself into long runs and lots of adventures at work - like organizing Community Language exams. This sort of forced me to meet some of my neighbors and becoming friends with them has changed me so much and given me a heart for community work. March was lonely and sad, but April was full of new adventures and love. 

May: May brought the Tough Mudder and it was very challenging, but I'm so glad I did it and I will one day get back to training that hard again. May was the month that I finally felt confirmation in my heart to apply for Grad school - Masters of Education at Greenwich University. So after a few years of waiting and planning, I actually applied - the biggest career/personal development I'd done in a long time. 

June: In June I turned 29 and it was a lot of fun - I hung out with my neighbors a lot, got into community at St. Lukes, made it out of exams alive with all my students, and just enjoyed life. It was the best month for me to realize how many people God's blessed me with, people in my life and who love me. 

July: July was full of joy and sadness; I got accepted into grad school and a lot of my mind was preoccupied with financial and administrative preparations for that. My awesome friend Sarah came to visit and we got to go to Edinburgh together, and I had to say goodbye to someone special as I prepared to visit my family for the summer. #alloftheemotions 

August: August was full. Very full. My mom and I road tripped to Maine to see her best friend after an epic family and friends BBQ. I connected and reconnected with a lot of friends and many walks were ambled and much coffee was drunk as we shared our hearts. 

September: Just when you've worked somewhere for 5-6 years and you know how everything should go, everything is different. This summer, our school got a new network and we lost some amazing people to voluntary redundancies, and so September was the month of not knowing how to do anything anymore like print things, photocopy, or even, turn on your computer... By the time we got ourselves sorted... it was October. 

October: The first week of October Ofsted came back again with a new framework and slightly dismal inspectors and after a lot of freaking out and 5am get-ups, we scrounged a "Requires Improvement"... right as I was beginning my first MA class... and life has been a challenge since then. After a quick regrouping, lots of meetings, and data analyses, I decided I needed a mini-break and took myself to Canterbury, where the seat of a lot of British history, and the Church of England inspired me with tales of the saints and the beauty of a very historical city.  

November: I worked and worked and, um, worked in November. A lot of the work that needed to happen from Ofsted happened during November and also the majority of my Grad school class. When I wasn't working, I was reminiscing on my year, processing where I am and where I think I'm going. One of the biggest things for me this year was letting go of a lot of the stuff I was doing and hoping, just hoping, that people would love me anyway, if I wasn't serving them all the time. Come to find out, people do love me, and stepping back and focusing on my MA has allowed a lot of beautiful people in my life to reach out to me and love on me and invest in me and it's been beautiful, even if locking myself in the library and reading education articles till my eyes can't focus isn't always the height of fun. 

December: December is always a kind of culmination - and after a year of learning how to do sound engineering at church I helped lead a team of people who ran our Carols Service - doing sound for an orchestra, choir, and band was insane, but amazing. Part of me still can't believe that I did it! I also took time to appreciate my team at work - the wonderful ladies I work with have been working diligently and part of my mentoring them has included telling them to rest and take breaks - and also trying to take my own advice. Graduate school while working has been a big sacrifice in my life - financially, socially, with my time and energy - I've had to set aside those assets that I used in other ways for this sacrifice that I'm excited to pursue. God, in his abundance, has provided friendship, love, and time for me to do everything I need to do. More than anything, He's been counselling me and helping me prioritize things, hopefully so that as I grow, I have more wisdom and discernment for my work, my education, and my personal life. I know he's trying to train me in loving people, in being wise, in what it means to belong. 

Overwhelmingly this year God has kept telling me that I have enough time... every deadline, every time I worry that my life isn't yet what it should be, He's there reminding me how far I've come, and that He's giving me time to get there. I just have to keep moving forward. I'm excited to see what new challenges and blessing I'll face in 2014 and the friends and family he'll bless me with along the journey. 

Tonight I can write...

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.... Pablo Neruda 

Sometimes people make choices for you and you get some ice cream, and even if you didn't have any part of the decision making process, and even if you don't particularly love the flavor they picked, you still get ice cream, and that's usually ok unless you're diabetic or lactose intolerant.

Then sometimes people make decisions for you and it means that no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you felt their love, and they said they loved you, they choose not to communicate with you or answer your communication. This type of decision pretty much sucks because you want to have faith in this person. You want to believe that the love meant something. You want to believe that you aren't the kind of person who can be thrown away. You want to believe that all of this non-communication is for a reason, that there's some answer to it all that maybe you just don't see right now and if this person would just get back to you everything would be clear.

I discovered Pablo Neruda in middle school and he's been one of my favorite poets since then. This amazing poem has so often been my comfort when relationships go on pause or end or turn sour. It encompasses all the "not thereness" you feel, staring up at the beautiful night sky, feeling the cool evening breeze, knowing that any other night, this person would be there with you, shielding you from the chill, but now you shiver and the moon is so bright and shining down on you, seemingly asking you where your person is... Where is he? He's far away and I tried to talk to him and he's not responding and I want to believe it's for a reason, but, Moon, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just you and me.

Because though it is easier not talking, let's face it, it's easier, especially when the Moon is shining on us from so far away... When I can't reach out and grab his hand to make him look at me, or feel his eyes searching me for an answer. When he can't see my lips purse suddenly as I have a thought and he can read the meaning without me saying... when those things can't happen, talking isn't easy.

It isn't easy, but part of me is rebellious because this wasn't my choice - not entirely. Even if I agree, it wasn't decided with me, it was decided for me, and now I just don't know what. That little voice in my heart believes even when practicalities tell me to give up hope. And walking home with the Moon, past the groups of people heading out, past the pairs and trios of friends laughing and smoking cigarettes on their way home, past the couples leaning into each other away from the breeze, holding hands... And me, staring up at the Moon, wondering if he was staring up at the moon and thinking of me; Staring up at the moon and missing the dark, smiling eyes, the freckle at the end of his nose, the list could go on... Just missing... a lot seems missing tonight, but thank you Moon, for the brilliant light, for shining... I needed you tonight. 

"The Best Way to Fight Terrorism: Education" - One Interview with Malala

I won't bungle this blog with a lot of words. I hope you've seen the interview Malala did with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Besides the great irony he shows with his NJ joke, he does sit back and let Malala do most of the talking.

On being asked about how to end terrorism: 

"I think education is the best way.... Going to school isn't only learning about different subjects. It teaches you communication; it teaches you how to live a life. It teaches you about history; it teaches you about how science is working and other than that, you learn about equality because students are provided with the same benches, they sit equally. It shows us equality; it teaches us how to live with others - how to accept different languages, how to accept each others' traditions and each others religions. It also teaches justice; it also teaches respect. It teaches us to live together - that's why I support sending children to school because it's the best way to fight terrorism." 

Once again, the invisible, unofficial curriculum wins.

we're in the same boat now

"We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now." ~ MLK Jr. 

The sky is blue and dotted with low-flying clouds like pillows strewn across the heavens. The breeze is gently rustling the trees and it's a comfortable spring temperature here in London. Tomorrow is July 4th and I'll be missing the patriotic shenanigans in the USA: bbqs, picnics, parades, flags, fireworks, and the food--oh the food!

I can't help but think of my country with a reminiscent, sad, yet proud melange of feeling. The downfall of DOMA, the arming of the Syrian rebels, the slow but steady end to the war in Afghanistan, and all the discussion and (some) action regarding Guatanamo Bay... With Newton and Hurricane Sandy in our wake, Occupy Wallstreet, and a slow crawl out of a recession, the USA, it seems, is in the middle of a bad high school research paper.

In middle school, at some point or another, a woman with a bun and a pencil skirt will lecture on the nature of narrative conflict, and outline the four main types:

• man versus man 
• man versus nature
• man versus society 
• man versus self

While so many movements in the US seem to be moving toward unity, freedom, love, care, so many others seem to favor power, greed, and general disunity. And it seems like everyone disagrees about all of the different issues from business policies, to women's health care, to hipsters. And going beyond merely disagreeing, we won't listen to each other, or even let each other finish speaking, but we make memes, and react and shut each other down and build walls against each other, build boxes of right and wrong and put our friends in them based on the issues that we agree with and disagree with. 

We are a country divided in our hearts, not just on specific issues, but against ourselves when we believe that anyone who doesn't agree with us, must be an enemy, must be against us, must be thwarted. Abraham Lincoln famously said 

"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?"

Yet we set each other on the prowl for potential enemies when we use the "team" mentality, making us feel traitorous if we grow to disagree or learn something new. We might all come from different places, religions, traditional socio-economic backgrounds, ethnicities, etc., but as MLK Jr said, "we're all in the same boat now." This is our country, our world, for better or worse, and we need to work together, and work for each other. We may have differing views on family breakdown in Western nations, but whether you think children need mom's and dad's or just loving adults supporting them, it's clear that when there is dissension in the home, trouble follows. As Jesus said in Matthew 12: 25: 

"Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

One of the most beautiful movements I'm seeing spread across not only the USA, but the world: pockets of people committed and passionate about community, family, and justice. Groups of people not just tolerating differences, but celebrating them--knocking the walls down to let the neighbors in and share their lives and traditions and love with them, regardless of whether or not they agree. 

Accordingly, in nature we see that the strongest, most complex organisms aren't homogenous, but rather heterogenous, with all the different cells and parts communicating together effectively. In the last year certain homogenous groups like Westboro Baptist Church and other groups have been wheedling down into nothing, regardless of the hate mongering that happens. And homogenous battle might have worked for the Spartans, but their tiny society collapsed long ago. 

Instead of gazing inward only towards our circle, we need to see each other, not with the eyes of judgement, but with discernment and perspicacity, and ultimately with compassion because we're all broken and messed up. We've all got baggage and pain to share, and we all need mercy and humility and grace and a friend to give us the strength to move forward. It's not acceptable to cry for mercy when we mess up and rage for justice for our neighbor: 

"Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."

And here Abe Lincoln correctly asserts that many of the things which legislatures are writing, judging, and passing are not what they would rally for if they were or if they knew the people who suffered from the laws they passed. Not just knew they existed. Not just knew statistics about them. But really knew them, spent time with them, and listened to their stories and their hearts.

"We're all in the same boat now," and all over the world people aren't tolerating injustice. Rebellions, demonstrations, and protests are sprouting in countries, cities, and communities across the globe from Brazil to Egypt to the UK. Unrest in North and Sub-Saharan Africa escalates and dissipates only to escalate again. Education is growing in parts of the world, but the equality gap widening in many 'affluent' countries, and scandal after scandal is uncovering the rampant greed and manipulation that plagues much of the world. Hunger, disease, slavery, poverty... and I'm just talking about my hometown. MLK Jr. again declares:

"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.... Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness." 

We need to get out of our own heads and see others, listen to others, invest in others. In a data driven world which has found a million ways to analyze contemporary life, it seems we've lost sight of what we were trying to gain. MLK Jr. had a dream...

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." 

And it seems that some of us, in fighting for or against equality, be it between religions, races, sexes, ages, people with disabilities, people with different sexual orientations, etc., we lose the importance of having integrity, of developing our character, and being people of character. As St. Paul so scandalously declares in Galatians 3: 28 (so much so that he got ran out of town):

"There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." 

If you want to label me, I'm a 20-something, white, middle-class, educated, independent/liberal, Christian, American woman. I don't claim to have the monopoly on truth or love or goodness, in fact, I mess up a lot, and the most poignant things I said were stolen from MLK Jr., Lincoln, and Jesus. I see so much happening to rip up the structures that propogated hate and injustice, but I also see new hates and new forms of injustice born, and old loves drown through unlistening voices. I love my country; I'm a proud American, but America, like the rest of the world, is broken, and we need to work together to heal her.

And so I'll leave you with one of the lesser known verses of The Star-Spangled Banner:

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall standBetween their loved home and the war's desolation!Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued landPraise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall waveO'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

 Happy Independence Day!

The Weather of Life

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that simply says 'I will try again tomorrow.'" ~ Pope Benedict XVI

Not to make this post about women... since it's really going to be about balance, or how life is never balanced, but... I find women trying to find balance all the time, as highlighted in this article by HuffPost. Yeh, I know, it's another article about working mothers... I enjoyed it, even though the women quoted in it say they were misquoted... whatevs...

She told me that while corporate lip-service to workers' needs may have changed, society's definitions have not. The "perfect mother," she says, is still "someone who is always available to her children," and the "perfect worker" is "someone who is always available to work. They are both flawed ideals, but anyone who doesn't live up to it is going to be stigmatized."

I think in general that the idea of "dedication" has gotten mixed up with the phrase "always available". We've let technology link us inextricably with everyone so that we can always be connected. Children can text parents all day long. Our friends can poke us whenever they're thinking of us. Apple phones have even made it possible to stalk via GPS our partners/kids (the iphone is EVIL, I knew it!).

Anyway, women everywhere are searching for work/life balance and I just think this is, as Solomon would say, "chasing after the wind." Work, just like family, friends, and other aspects of "life" has ups and downs... seasons, if you will. Yes, it's not great when multiple facets of life are experiencing torrential downpours at one time, or dry seasons, or whatever weather metaphor we want to use, but generally, the give and take has to happen.

Lately, things at work have been intense... just a lot going on. I'm seriously looking forward to Easter when I know most of the work will be completed and another season can take hold (the serious training season for Tough Mudder). In a few days I'll be able to rest, run, and relax a bit, and then tuck in and work out till I can do more than 15 pushups and run more than 10 miles. This will continue till May, when I'll face the warm weather and the gradual waning of the school year. Friend time will take over as picnics and coffee/park dates happen (and Oh, they will happen a lot).

When people are always fighting for balance, I just think that maybe they are trying to do too many things. No one wants to choose, but isn't that wisdom? The privilege to choose has left us trying to do everything and then being unhappy anyway. You have the chance to choose what you want, so why don't you? Isn't the ultimate rebellion not fulfilling every social protocol you're expected to, but throwing off the expectations of others and being satisfied with your own choices?

I'll leave you with this gem: "Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad." Methinks what we, what policy-makers and journalists and analysts need, is not necessarily more knowledge (God knows we are inundated with data), but with the wisdom to see clearly and choose wisely. Not choosing has enslaved women to the expectations of others, just as not having a choice once did. Freedom awaits you. Just claim it.

Most Nights I don't know anymore...

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw
Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish they'd just fall off
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don't know anymore...
~ Fun

So this past week, I was in a funk... do I know why? Nope... I had ennui, metaphysical angst... I wanted to run away and hide separately... I wanted to cling to someone and punch someone in the face... All in all, I'm just glad I'm feeling better now.

This song has been playing nonstop on my ipod... for some reason I can't get the lyrics out of my head. Especially the line "What do I stand for?" What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Sometimes I feel like support has been dwindled down in our techy society. I can like something on facebook or twitter or youtube or geez... even the Independent.co.uk social reader... So... showing my support for something doesn't really involve more than the flick of an index finger.

How much thought am I really putting into all this support then? Are all these things the things that make up me? "Most nights I don't know anymore..."

This past year (2012) there have been some insane arguments... Limbaugh's remarks on women, the Presidential campaign, Occupy everything, whether or not this or that is a conspiracy, the fiscal cliff... I can't keep up with all the words that have been printed and posted about all of these things... I can't keep up with all the things being debated about gun control and being conservative and liberal and I absolutely detest all the super sarcastic and droll oversimplifications that people keep posting as gifs or images on facebook... "Tell the conservatives to stay out of my vagina" and whatnot... it's SO much more involved than that... for reals.

So... in a world where I'm constantly representing myself to the public, constantly having a personal style for everything from my phone case to my shoe laces, "What do I stand for?"

Now, the lyrics to the Fun song may or may not be about the deluge of information and creating identity in a multi-pluralistic society (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up), but that's how I'm taking them... My lips can create castles... I can talk and talk and comment and post and like and engage and build up this Platonic ideal in my head of who I am and what everything I do means and everything I am means... and some nights "I wish they'd just fall off..." and I want to hurl my laptop across the room because there's nothing important to be said... is any of it actually important? How important is everyone's voice? How do I choose who to listen to? Is my "liking" of certain voices constitute a political or economic (and therefore political) choice?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I guess that's part of how I've felt this past week. Like there was a part of me I couldn't escape, past and future... I was seeing "ghosts" and wanting to shadow box and hide at the same time (and not in any way which would make me like a ninja)... I was letting things which are past control my future, even if it was just in my head... and I really don't need to.



And now for you, and for me, a deluge of classic literature and quotes...

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;

That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse. ~ from "O Me! O Life!" by Walt Whitman

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." -Lao-Tzu

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. – H.D. Thoreau

We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. -from "Ulysses" by Alfred Lord Tennyson

I don't know how much you'll appreciate these quotes... honestly, I'm having second thoughts about posting them, because, they are quite common. But oddly enough, these are the words that give me the courage to throw my voice into the mix, even if I'm not contributing anything new. I don't want to worry about being chic and fresh... I want to be authentic, and not worry about what everyone else is thinking about my posts, but just express my thoughts.

My thoughts... well... I'm worried about the authenticity of "interest" in today's society if it's so easy for me to be interested in so many things and generally know almost nothing about them. It concerns me that the world seems to be turning into a popularity contest where consensus is used to judge the value of everything.

I just have the feeling that deep down some things will contradict other things, and at some point, I'm going to have to fight for one at the sake of the other, and people will disagree and possibly hate me (depending on how much of a jerk I am, I suppose), but... isn't it just the nature of the universe that things are going to be opposed?

Unlike R. W. Emerson said "Speak what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon-balls and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day"; I want to speak slowly and thoughtfully and when I speak, believe myself, with timeless thoughts and words that smack at truth so that when tomorrow comes, today's experience has brought me closer to wisdom, potentially at the sake of popularity, economy, or politics. And while I think I know what some of those things are so far, some nights, I don't know anymore...