Tonight I can write...

Tonight I can write the saddest lines

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.... Pablo Neruda 

Sometimes people make choices for you and you get some ice cream, and even if you didn't have any part of the decision making process, and even if you don't particularly love the flavor they picked, you still get ice cream, and that's usually ok unless you're diabetic or lactose intolerant.

Then sometimes people make decisions for you and it means that no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you felt their love, and they said they loved you, they choose not to communicate with you or answer your communication. This type of decision pretty much sucks because you want to have faith in this person. You want to believe that the love meant something. You want to believe that you aren't the kind of person who can be thrown away. You want to believe that all of this non-communication is for a reason, that there's some answer to it all that maybe you just don't see right now and if this person would just get back to you everything would be clear.

I discovered Pablo Neruda in middle school and he's been one of my favorite poets since then. This amazing poem has so often been my comfort when relationships go on pause or end or turn sour. It encompasses all the "not thereness" you feel, staring up at the beautiful night sky, feeling the cool evening breeze, knowing that any other night, this person would be there with you, shielding you from the chill, but now you shiver and the moon is so bright and shining down on you, seemingly asking you where your person is... Where is he? He's far away and I tried to talk to him and he's not responding and I want to believe it's for a reason, but, Moon, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just you and me.

Because though it is easier not talking, let's face it, it's easier, especially when the Moon is shining on us from so far away... When I can't reach out and grab his hand to make him look at me, or feel his eyes searching me for an answer. When he can't see my lips purse suddenly as I have a thought and he can read the meaning without me saying... when those things can't happen, talking isn't easy.

It isn't easy, but part of me is rebellious because this wasn't my choice - not entirely. Even if I agree, it wasn't decided with me, it was decided for me, and now I just don't know what. That little voice in my heart believes even when practicalities tell me to give up hope. And walking home with the Moon, past the groups of people heading out, past the pairs and trios of friends laughing and smoking cigarettes on their way home, past the couples leaning into each other away from the breeze, holding hands... And me, staring up at the Moon, wondering if he was staring up at the moon and thinking of me; Staring up at the moon and missing the dark, smiling eyes, the freckle at the end of his nose, the list could go on... Just missing... a lot seems missing tonight, but thank you Moon, for the brilliant light, for shining... I needed you tonight.