So I gave up coffee for what?: Post Lent Reflections

Web woven by Spider on Caffeine

So it's been nearly a week since Easter, and I may have consumed 2-5 coffees/caffeinated drinks each day since Easter Sunday.

I thought about maybe cutting down or trying to make my fast semi-permanent, but road trips make that difficult.

Tea and coffee is cheap and often free at hostels, and it goes down smooth, does the trick, especially when it's cold and damp, like in Scotland.

Glen Coe, The Highlands, Scotland, UK 

So other than the knowledge that I can indeed fast from caffeine, what did I gain? What did Easter hold for me?

Easter held some amazing music. While Christmas Carols tend to be the most loved songs, I just revel in the beautiful, rejuvenating music of Easter. The lyrics and melodies just feed me, and I've been singing harmonies arranged by Huw White all week. The harmonies to Tim Hughes "Sing Alleluia" stuck with me wandering the fields of Scotland. The lyrics of "In Christ Alone" followed me through the glens and lochs and bens...

Easter is a reminder that all is not what it seems... a reminder of the promise that all will be made new. In a world where things that came out last week are considered old, it's really easy to miss the heavenly perspective on earthly time. It's easy to be shallow and feel old cause I'm not 22 anymore, or feel frumpy because my clothes aren't brand new, or something like that. It's easy to look at my modest teaching career and feel unimportant, or to look at the accomplishments of those around me and feel empty...

But things aren't always what they seem. As I've said before, there are invisible things... spiritual things happening all the time. Spiritual beings making choices, taking action. There are spiritual acts, movements, motions in us and all around us, and we wittingly or no, take part in these actions. So does Jesus.

Jesus saw faith in followers the world rejected. Jesus' spirit couldn't be held by death in the tomb. He saw men and women and girls alive where we saw death. He saw health where others saw illness, disease and deformation.

Even in my humble teaching post, I pray and Jesus tells me not to leave... that I can't know what He's doing because I'm there... maybe I'll never know.

Even in this silly blog with my silly words. Words I get scared to write because someone may someday throw them back in my face. Words I want to edit because someone might read them. Words which aren't judged by the numbers of followers I have or blog views I get (tho those stats are interesting,...)... No, I need to write because when I  pray, God says to write... to write humbly and honestly and without apology. So I try... cause who knows where they will go or what invisible things they will inspire?

I'm reading The Secret Garden again... and Mary keeps wandering around trying to figure out if her garden is dead. But she tends it for a few weeks before she finally gets Ben Weatherstaff and Dickon to tell her it's alive. Weeks. I would like to think that if I came to a dead garden I would be so faithful, but after a few hours of pulling weeds, I'd probably give it up for dead and come back in a month to see if it worked, but no. Mary comes back everyday. She explores and finds out every detail and every nook.

She doesn't know the invisible things are there, and they are changing her... but her reward is great.

I hope that I can develop the faithfulness of Contrary Mary in The Secret Garden... that my work, however humble, would change me, so that when spring does come, there are beautiful flowers in my garden (wow that sounds SO cheesy, but I'm leaving it here). Not like treasure in heaven or anything, but the reward for her toil, the garden, was the reward for Mary... She didn't get huge houses or money or fame or anything out of her toil (not yet anyway),... she got the gorgeous flowers to enjoy.

I'm trying to give it up, but there's a part of me that wants to be right all the time, and I'm slowly learning that a lot of the time, there aren't completely right or wrong answers, but perspectives and emotions and ideas and invisible things that happen because of words and ideas and thoughts and how we think them and when and where get thrown out into the universe causing their own version of chaos.

I don't want to worry about how I stack up against other people, but what I can offer them and how I can love them better. Somehow, not drinking coffee has helped me learn this about myself... but how, I don't know... it's just one of those invisible things that got thrown out into the universe in my crazed caffeine craving fits, I suppose. 

Lent Reflections: Community and Individuality

"Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters." Matthew 12: 30

A few years ago at college, the careers advisors make you take this test... the Meyer's Briggs test, and it sorts out your personality and suits you for different professions. It gives you a run down of how introverted or extroverted you are, whether you Think or Perceive, etc. It places people into boxes of personalities. Some personalities are more common than others, but all of these personality traits exist on a sliding scale... Someone might be more extroverted or introverted or more of a thinker or less of a perceiver than me.

This can make life very confusing because as I got my results back many of my sliding scales were tantalizingly close to the middle... #useless.

I had flashbacks to 9th grade where the guidance counsellors gave us "tests" to determine what kind of learners we were. There were 5 kinds of learners at the time (these tests are always changing and developing) and with complete unhelpfulness, I scored high on all of them. Apparently I can learn in any way, but of course, I learn better in some ways than in others.

And so it is with life and working together and building communities and teams and families and working groups.

For a few weeks I've been feeling quite down on myself, always feeling inferior to others, and, hence, that I won't be liked, approved of, or befriended. It's probably nonsense, and I don't tell you about this to gain pity or sympathy, but to explain the interesting journey I've been on.

You see, as I feel like others will not be happy with me, I've moved away from people, isolating myself. I haven't even consciously done it, it was all quite innocent, until I realised I was waiting days to respond to people's texts and spending far too much time choosing something to wear, only to pull on something scrubby, convinced that I'd be dismissed and ignored no matter how I looked.

I took myself out of the community for reasons completely unfounded and imaginary...

Like God often does when He's refining us, He's been telling me some truths about myself, healing my heart, and washing me... But something I've been discerning the past few months is the verse above: "Whoever is not with me is against me, and whoever does not gather with me scatters." Jesus didn't really care about teams or clubs, He cared about the heart. He cared about motivations and your secret treasure, the things you long for and care about which no one knows. The power of God comes from our hearts, not our skills or virtues.

Often, I see people get caught up in "the way they do things" or "they're style", which is all well and good, a great design can go a long way. But design can't replace a good heart. There isn't one way to do anything, and if we think there is, we're incredibly limiting ourselves. I used to be like this. Things had to be a certain way, or it wasn't ok... it just wasn't.

My housemate has been an incredible cause of joy the past few months. She's vibrant and at the same time can be incredibly smooth and subtle and careless and willy-nilly. We've become baking friends and I've never once seen her use a recipe. She just tosses things in the bowl and they turn out delicious. Method, methinks, is not her forte. But it doesn't seem to matter! And I'm trying desperately to learn this, not because I judge people and think they are worse than me, but quite the opposite--because I'm convinced that I'll never do anything so well as other people, and so I hide from them.

Yes, I smile and I show up, but a lot of the time, it's a facade and some of the real Jenny mixed in for authenticity. I feel a tiredness when I see people because I have to keep the face on. I have to love them and be there for them. I can't let them love me. I can't show any weaknesses. I can't be vulnerable. I can't show them who I really am because I am convinced, down in the heart of my hearts, that they wouldn't like me.

When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you. ~ Lao Tzu

I have a bookmark with this quote on it that I've had since high school. For a long time, I felt like having a haughty indifference was the answer to this... but I was so wrong.

Then, a few years later, in college, I thought if I was smarter than everyone, it would be the answer... but I was still wrong. I remember thinking of certain students as so clever and inspiring and how I would never be like that. One day, I was talking to someone and she mentioned how I was one of the "cool English majors"... was I? And for a moment I was overjoyed at how amazing it seemed that I'd been given membership into this great status club, and the second I just realized how horrible it sounded that there were "cool" and then of course "not cool" English majors...

I didn't want to be an elite... I wanted community, where everyone could bring their ideas to the table and hash them out... it's the hashing out of it that's fun.

I've been writing and editing some manuscripts I'm working on and every so often this deep pit of artistic funk creeps over me. I'm convinced that nothing I write will ever be inspiring or witty or truthful or meaningful... ever. So what's the point?

But the more I pray, the more God tries to convince me: "You don't need a masters degree or an MFA. You don't need the praise of others. You just need to WRITE and LOVE."

Because deep down, I want admiration and praise, more than just the satisfaction of my art, my community... I want praise. Something deep down wants to be better, smarter, faster, tougher... and the rest of me just wants to be loved. So I throw the mess of myself down at the feet of Jesus and He smiles benevolently, pats my head, and says: "REST. I am with you. Rest truly, and WRITE and LOVE. I will take care of the rest."

So here I am, a ball of mess, trying to be myself, trying to love my various communities, trying to let myself open up, and trying to rest. Oh how much striving have I undertaken under the delusion that nothing I do will succeed!

So here I am, still at His feet, unravelling the mess of my mind and my heart this Lenten season, and I hope my journey will also do you some good.

Lent Reflections: Calling

"By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn on high will break upon us to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide our feet to the way of peace." Luke 1: 78-79 

John the Baptist... he was a complicated man... he like eating locust and wearing animal skins, he didn't drink, and he spent most of his time looking quite wild and baptising people by rivers. His parents were very old, and he didn't have any brothers or sisters, so, all in all, he became the very peculiar only child, by Jerusalem's standards.

Yet time and again friends and family will get words of knowledge for me about this man or other prophets like Jeremiah (my mom), and Ezekiel (oooohhh dear).

So many friends I know WISH they had a calling... they don't feel guided into things, they enjoy stuff maybe, and I don't know how to talk to them about vocation since they didn't go to Messiah College and have it ingrained into them... it's difficult stuff how some people just get jobs in the village fishing with their fathers and Jesus just comes and asks them to come with him, and others get prophesies about their births and their parent's get strict rules about their names and they feel led into things their entire lives.

But the thing about being the "dawn on high" to "give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death," is that you have to go sit in the darkness. And you have to talk to those who are in the shadow of death, and you have to realize that without Jesus in your life, you are those people... sometimes you are even with him...

One of my very particular character traits is that sometimes I can be really stubborn. Usually I'm pretty go-with-the-flow, but sometimes there is something I will dig my heels in about and never, ever let it go...

When I was a little girl, probably 2-3 years old, my parents wanted me to eat the vegetables at dinner and I didn't want to. So after being threatened and begged, my dad, very authoritatively, says "Eat your vegetables or you get a spanking." In my small child brain I weighed the costs/benefits of eating these vegetables and quietly got down from the table, walked down the hallway and got my dad's belt from the closet and brought it to him saying "Daddy please beat me."

I often wonder if Ezekiel's parents have similar stories... Ezekiel 3:7-9
"The house of Israel will not listen to you, for they are not willing to listen to me; because all the house of Israel have a hard forehead and a stubborn heart. See, I have made your face hard against their faces, and your forehead hard against their foreheads. Like the hardest stone, harder than flint, I have made your forehead; do not fear them or be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house." 

If that isn't a gifting, then I don't know what is... and knowing that God is giving me a similar gifting... well sometimes it feels like a blessing in a curse. It also feels like something I should put on a dating website or a resume (Can be incredibly stubborn at times...) Lol. Stubbornness or as some call it faithfulness or as others call it stick-with-it-ness is not always considered a virtue. In fact, even Stephen Dubner on Freakonomics talks about how sometimes it better to "fail fast" or "quit early" instead of getting rigged in and going down with the ship slowly but surely (The Upside of Quitting). 

Still, in any community, someone needs to be the foil... someone needs to challenge the status quo and stubbornly drive things in a different direction when needed, even if it's uncomfortable or annoying. Sometimes, saying the truth makes you unpopular... as John the Baptist knows... but that's a prophet's calling, for better or for worse, to say what God says... and so often, what God says can be exactly what we don't want to hear or do or say... 

My current job is often challenging and often I think "yep, time to pack it in..." But I know the lives of young people are being changed. I know futures are brighter. I know that things are bit by bit shining brighter, like dawn might be coming (or maybe just some bright stars)... I know that even if I don't feel like a bright star or a lamp, I probably am one and when God says to stay that I have to dig my heels in and stay, even tho I want to bolt. 

When I think about teaching at a posh grammar school where there are minimal behavior problems... I always imagine Welton Academy in The Dead Poet's Society where tho everything seems to be in order, boys are dying (on the inside and out). I know that grammar schools are probably lovely places to work, but in my heart, I love working with slightly more disadvantaged communities and schools. It is a blessing and a curse. 

I guess that if God has made me to be similar to the skin-wearing, locust-eating teetotaller, John, then I can handle it, or the destruction-prophesying Ezekiel, then I can handle that too... 

Whether you feel like you just float along or not, whether you feel like you were made to do something or not, God's given us each gifts, and some of these gifts may not seem like gifts all the time until we're in situations where we need to use them, and then we shine, whether we think we do or not.  

Lent Reflections: Trials and Temptations

So it's now been about 3 weeks since I gave up caffeine for Lent... no small feat for me, and I've been doing quite well. This past week, tho, I was so tempted to just throw in the towel and have a coffee on several occasions.

So I met a friend for dinner the other night and we wandered the South Bank enjoying the Thames and ended up in Strada, which was fortunate cause I had a hankering for spaghetti and meatballs. All was well till we got to the dessert menu and I really truly wanted Tiramisu AKA my favorite dessert! I tried to justify it to myself, but I just couldn't have espresso soaked cake and cream after giving up caffeine. I was devastated. All the desserts I fancied had some coffee in them, and I ended up having some chocolate meltdown thing, which was lovely, but not what I really wanted.

The same thing happened the next night when I was out with a friend who's going off on maternity leave. There it was on the dessert menu, all covered in cocoa powder and taunting me... tiramisu!

I've been to meet friends in coffee shops and each time have been really good about ordering hot chocolate or herbal tea and double checking that the tea has no caffeine in it.

This whole giving up caffeine thing is hard work.

And... I believe I'm having physical side effects as well... which leads to the trials bit of this post.

So, I have a low heart rate and low blood pressure and no, I don't take any medication for it. Many years ago my doctor said I probably crave savoury, salty things to balance my need for it. I  have low BP, my body craves salt = my BP goes slightly higher. All is right.

Well, caffeine raises your heart rate and BP as well...

So three weeks into no caffeine, I've been having black outs again, which I haven't had really since college. It got so bad that today after gym time, I stood up from the bath and BAM... fainted. I broke one of our shower nozzles, demolished my right arm and bruised my ribs... and woke up in the bath, naked, I don't know how many minutes after it happened.

Woozy, sore and light headed, I ran for my room, ate something and have just been chilling ever since. Since I'm a searcher, I'm trying to find the meaning in all of this... in this incident, in my love for crisps and coffee... I'm trying to not just swallow all that twaddle in health magazines about how to be fit and whatnot and find the truth and the balance in being healthy and loving myself.

Last year I felt like God asked me to give up meat for a month and I felt like it was His way of saying to me to leave it for a while. I don't eat nearly as much meat as I used to, tho I enjoy it and don't feel bad eating it at all.

I've been praying about caffeine in the same way... is it something God's asking me to give up? We still have several weeks till Easter, but right now, I don't think so. I don't think caffeine is this evil substance that kills us, like some people would make us think... I don't think meat is horrible either. I don't think God wants us to black list anything in his creation, but just to be thoughtful and intentional about how we consume things.

Coffee is one of the biggest exports and imports around the world and it's farming, done ethically, can be sustainable and help many developing countries... when done unethically and unsafely, however, can lead to poverty, slavery, and horrific abuse.

Similarly, caffeine, when overdosed, can cause many psychological and physical effects, including death... who knew? And when insects attack plants filled with caffeine, if they don't stop, their hearts explode. Contrariwise, caffeine can help us focus, can cause feelings of euphoria, and can impact minute body systems positively. Loads of studies are out there and caffeine is quite controversial at the moment... but I think in all of the medical studies is the idea of balance, rest and moderation. 

Lent Reflections: He Could Not Save Himself

Those who passed by derided him, shaking their heads and saying, "Ahah! You who would destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself, and come down from the cross!" In the same way the chief priests, along with the scribes were also mocking him among themselves and saying, "He saved others; he cannot save himself..." -- Mark 15: 29-31 

People say life is all about perspective (especially post modernists, but we'll forgo that here)... hundreds of years ago, nay thousands to some, astronomers began what we now consider the geocentric model of the universe, also known as, everything-revolves-around-the-earth model. Contrary to popular belief, this did not put the earth in the most important position in the solar system (as we now think). No, the most sinful, basest part of the universe was the centre and the universe grew in glory and splendour as it receded away from the earth. Somehow we've switched it around in our popular culture, so that the centre is obviously the most important. As the planets extended out towards the ether, the solid substance in which the stars hung, much like an upside down bowl full of clear jelly and tiny embers, they became more glorious.

Because, when we look at something, the starting point is always ourselves. The distance from our eyes to this thing gives us our perspective, and the scale of things on the earth, our simple perspective, determines how we "see" everything else around us.

When I think about it, it seems so selfish and also completely natural that these scientists (such as Ptolemy) started charting the night sky and used their eyes as the starting point. Of course everything revolves around us...

Sooner or later religion got involved, adopting the geocentric model and adding some biblical here or there to it... But the problem with claiming you are the only religious authority on everything is that when scientific or other developments come along, it's really difficult to show your ass in public and admit you've been wrong.

So as the instruments and mathematics used to observe stars became more sophisticated, the formulas and theories to explain the movements of the heavens became very intense and involved and made nearly no sense.

Galileo tried to change all this mess into a simple (and correct) model by changing his perspective. Thinking that earth (read "we") was the centre caused too many problems. Saying we were the grossest most foul thing in the universe doesn't work. Nor does saying we are the most important. Nor does assuming that life from where we are standing is the only true thing in life.

Because like the geocentric model, when I only try to see things from where I am, life gets so confusing and complicated and still doesn't work, that something else has to rip me out of my own eyesight... I need new perspective, a heavenly perspective.

Sometimes these glimpses outside of ourselves of a heavenly perspective are given to us... things that might not make sense, but are visions of the future, things that may not seem nice, but are important parts of God's plan.

The people of Jerusalem couldn't see that Jesus was saving everyone by sacrificing himself. They couldn't see that he had destroyed the temple, the kingdom of God, the body of Christ, by his death, and he rebuilt the unseen temple in three days, redeeming us, rebirthing us, giving us the ability, through him to be wholly alive and free.

They couldn't see that he could save himself, he just didn't fear death. He could save himself, but something else was more important. In this model of the universe, God's glory is the centre, everything swirling around it in tumultuous splendour, and in the flames we can either bask or burn.

Lent Reflections: Not My Will...

"A man sometimes devotes his life to a desire which he is not sure will ever be fulfilled. Those who laugh at this folly are, after all, no more than mere spectators of life." - Ryūnosuke Akutagawa

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Elliot

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.  - Martin Luther King, Jr.

‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me; yet, not my will but yours be done.’ - Jesus,  Luke 22:42

We are a goal-oriented culture. Everywhere in England I hear about targets, goals, milestones... even facebook now has a timeline with different major events in our lives. Much of it is very productive and also reminds me of the book Baby Steps in What About Bob?  But I can't help but think that life is more than just reaching small targets toward a projected success. Real life involves risk, faith, determination, struggle, and in many cases, miracles.

But from more and more people, I'm hearing the idea that if I follow God, He'll give me the desires of my heart, which, I'm starting to wonder about.

You see, God says He will bless us, but He doesn't say it will be with that thing we want... in fact, sometimes I believe He'll deliberately take us away from that thing we want, not because He's mean, but because we want it more than we want Him, and He is a jealous God.

That idea makes him sound petty and selfish, but seriously, it doesn't make sense to want created things more than to want to be in relationship with the Creator.

This idea of God blessing my life is particularly thrown at me in regards to getting married. Marriage seems to be the institution that we expect to just happen to us one day... it's part of how we think life goes, and I'm sure marriage is a great opportunity, with blessings and challenges. But because marriage is something everyone expects to happen to them at some point.... I think, so many people get frustrated when it's not happening in the manner or time frame that they would prefer.

But does God really promise this for us? Does He promise us anything in particular? And if He has (so we think) can He change those plans for us?

I think sometimes God tells us things to help us move forward with attitudes and beliefs, to heal parts of our hearts and draw us into and out of things... but then, things change, and we have to keep listening to God, in real time, to keep up with His will for our lives.

God and I have been having a little bit of a celebrity death match regarding marriage for a few years and parts have been very hard. After a few very intense relationships, I was hurt, deeply, and He's been moving in and healing my heart for a long time. I was fed up and bitter. I didn't want anything to do with guys. As far as I was concerned, I was better off with God, and I could be single forever, and never be hurt again.

At that moment, I wasn't thinking about serving God with my life, but protecting myself... and it took a lot of wrestling for God to convince me to open my heart up, and for the past few years, to keep it open.

Part of that was convincing me that one day I would be married. I hoped for it. I waited expectedly, like in Hebrews... I sang like Queen "Can anybody find me somebody to love?!" And through this, God showed me that 1. I was loveable, and 2. to love myself...

There is nothing quite so good and becoming more of yourself. Of having someone who knows you well, who loves you perfectly show you how lovely you are, how He loves your quirks, how He's made you with them on purpose, and convincing you to love them yourself. You start to own yourself, and grow in confidence, and out of that, it becomes so easy to love others, to serve, to give, because you have in abundance.

But recently, the question has come up,... "If I don't bring you a partner, will you still follow me? If you can serve me better single, will you do it?" And this has been a hard question to wrestle with, I'm not going to lie, but one that I feel confident in saying yes to...

Because, I want to serve God no matter what, He is the one thing I strive for, He is the thing I will die for... He's given me passions for women's rights, for world education, for counselling and promoting real-life community... I will work unflaggingly for these things in His will, single, for my entire life.

And the quiet voice deep inside me says that if I do, my life will be amazing.

That's not to say that I can't serve God with a partner or have an amazing life with one... that's not the issue... the issue is, would I be willing to give it up if He asked me to? The issue is one in my heart of which is more important. If I will say "Not my will..." like Jesus.

Because God's will, God's love is a transforming love... It's not to say that I want something and God will keep me from it, but He will come in and transform my heart so the desires of my heart are His desires.

When I first went to college, I didn't want to be a teacher, but my passion for education ignited as I tutored students in writing and now looking back, I can see how He's been preparing me to be a teacher for a long time. He's had stories and novels inside me since I was a child, and now they're coming out into manuscripts.

Lent is a great time to ponder and meditate on these big questions, when we ponder with Jesus, when we contemplate His temptations, when we walk through a fast with him... and I think, the one thing that I dedicate my life to won't be finding a partner, but following God and loving as many people as He puts around me.

That isn't to say there aren't things I want or goals I have. Paying off my school loans will be awesome. Doing some more travelling. Learning a language fluently. Getting an MA in Literature and Psychology. Publishing a novel.

I have a fair few projects I'm working on... but these pale in comparison to loving the people God's placed around me: my friends and family, my church community, my work colleagues, my students, strangers in my path throughout the day...

Because at the end of the day, it's all about loving and serving others. I can publish novels, but it won't make me happy unless those stories touch and transform the hearts of my readers. I can study all I like, but unless I'm serving others and loving them into better people, it's useless. I can speak 10 languages, but unless I communicate with someone, what's the point?

So this Lent, I'm going to try to rest into these conversations with God... not fighting, assuming He's going to make my life miserable, but sinking into the peace that He will bring me abundant life, and that my hope, my faith is in Him, "for I am dead and my life is hid with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3

"Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.... Take my love, my Lord, I pour, at your feet it's treasure store. Take myself and I will be, ever only all for thee." - Frances Havergal 

Lent Reflections: You're giving up what?

So it's official, I have made it a whole week without caffeine. A miracle... for real.

For a few years now, I've been a morning coffee/tea drinker, and I've always adamantly argued that I was not addicted... that the few mornings I didn't get my jolt, I wasn't more tired, less lively, less bouncy than my usual self.

And I'm still pushing that argument; still this is probably the first time in a few years that I've gone a whole week without any form of caffeine.

I had a pretty nasty headache for about 2 days, but other than that, no withdrawal symptoms noted...


Lent is the remembrance of Jesus' 40 days in the wilderness tempted by the devil, tended by the angels, fasting from bread and water, but alive with the bread of God.

As many a lovely Lenten service has identified, Jesus was temped with his identity, with his relationships, with the core of who he was and his purpose on the earth...

And really, during Lent, we give something up to identify with Jesus in his wilderness, though, really, giving up chocolate or caffeine or tea or meat can't really compare to 40 days without food and shelter, it's a small reminder that comfort is not something we are owed.

I've been learning about myself this Lenten season and it's only been a week.

For example, coffee is my security blanket. When I'm stressed, I want a coffee. When I have a hard day, I want a coffee. Coffee is a treat. It's something warm and soothing... I can feel the warmth in the cup radiating through my body. The caffeine uplifts my mood, quickens my heart beat, focuses my eyes, clenches my muscles in my head and neck to a ball of energy... a focused laser, a thread through the eye of a needle... me and coffee are a formidable match.

Coffee is also my go-to for boredom. It's my constant companion. If I'm early, I'll get a coffee... I've got my S'Buck's finder app, I can wander around where ever I am and find the good coffee and grab a jo to go before showing up annoyingly early... Finding coffee is almost half of the fun and without it as an excuse, I just show up early. Rarely can you see me without some cup in my hand... and I wonder, do I really want to drink all this or am I just doing it to do something?

Coffee is a status symbol. Chillin in the cafe with my java and a book or my android or my laptop... I just feel so cool. Coffee and chillin is the thing to do... I don't even know if I can read without a hot beverage by my side anymore, to be honest... it just feels unnatural without it there. Even if I don't know that I'm out letting people watch me sip my hip bevvy, I am... <--sad...

What I'm realizing about myself is that as much as I love coffee, I don't always drink it because I love it, but for many other reasons. Already I'm feeling more hydrated, more chill, and, I'll admit, a bit more tired.

Do I think I'll forego caffeine permanently after Lent--no... definitely not. It doesn't keep me going, but I just like caffeinated drinks too much to let them go. Also, numerous studies show that there are health benefits to moderate caffeine intake (Ha! So educate yourself).

What I'm most interested in is my gut reaction to a fight at work or a horrible meeting... my heart says "Let's get some coffee. It'll make it better..." and after a week without it, my head is going ??? How did coffee ever make this shit better?

Honestly, though coffee has been known to prevent the effects of depression sinking in, it doesn't solve my problems... it's just a small, short-term feeling of euphoria before the litter box of turds comes crashing down on my head again...

Live and learn... don't worry about the coffee, get down on your knees girl...

Till next week!