Lent Reflections: Not My Will...

"A man sometimes devotes his life to a desire which he is not sure will ever be fulfilled. Those who laugh at this folly are, after all, no more than mere spectators of life." - Ryūnosuke Akutagawa

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Elliot

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.  - Martin Luther King, Jr.

‘Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me; yet, not my will but yours be done.’ - Jesus,  Luke 22:42

We are a goal-oriented culture. Everywhere in England I hear about targets, goals, milestones... even facebook now has a timeline with different major events in our lives. Much of it is very productive and also reminds me of the book Baby Steps in What About Bob?  But I can't help but think that life is more than just reaching small targets toward a projected success. Real life involves risk, faith, determination, struggle, and in many cases, miracles.

But from more and more people, I'm hearing the idea that if I follow God, He'll give me the desires of my heart, which, I'm starting to wonder about.

You see, God says He will bless us, but He doesn't say it will be with that thing we want... in fact, sometimes I believe He'll deliberately take us away from that thing we want, not because He's mean, but because we want it more than we want Him, and He is a jealous God.

That idea makes him sound petty and selfish, but seriously, it doesn't make sense to want created things more than to want to be in relationship with the Creator.

This idea of God blessing my life is particularly thrown at me in regards to getting married. Marriage seems to be the institution that we expect to just happen to us one day... it's part of how we think life goes, and I'm sure marriage is a great opportunity, with blessings and challenges. But because marriage is something everyone expects to happen to them at some point.... I think, so many people get frustrated when it's not happening in the manner or time frame that they would prefer.

But does God really promise this for us? Does He promise us anything in particular? And if He has (so we think) can He change those plans for us?

I think sometimes God tells us things to help us move forward with attitudes and beliefs, to heal parts of our hearts and draw us into and out of things... but then, things change, and we have to keep listening to God, in real time, to keep up with His will for our lives.

God and I have been having a little bit of a celebrity death match regarding marriage for a few years and parts have been very hard. After a few very intense relationships, I was hurt, deeply, and He's been moving in and healing my heart for a long time. I was fed up and bitter. I didn't want anything to do with guys. As far as I was concerned, I was better off with God, and I could be single forever, and never be hurt again.

At that moment, I wasn't thinking about serving God with my life, but protecting myself... and it took a lot of wrestling for God to convince me to open my heart up, and for the past few years, to keep it open.

Part of that was convincing me that one day I would be married. I hoped for it. I waited expectedly, like in Hebrews... I sang like Queen "Can anybody find me somebody to love?!" And through this, God showed me that 1. I was loveable, and 2. to love myself...

There is nothing quite so good and becoming more of yourself. Of having someone who knows you well, who loves you perfectly show you how lovely you are, how He loves your quirks, how He's made you with them on purpose, and convincing you to love them yourself. You start to own yourself, and grow in confidence, and out of that, it becomes so easy to love others, to serve, to give, because you have in abundance.

But recently, the question has come up,... "If I don't bring you a partner, will you still follow me? If you can serve me better single, will you do it?" And this has been a hard question to wrestle with, I'm not going to lie, but one that I feel confident in saying yes to...

Because, I want to serve God no matter what, He is the one thing I strive for, He is the thing I will die for... He's given me passions for women's rights, for world education, for counselling and promoting real-life community... I will work unflaggingly for these things in His will, single, for my entire life.

And the quiet voice deep inside me says that if I do, my life will be amazing.

That's not to say that I can't serve God with a partner or have an amazing life with one... that's not the issue... the issue is, would I be willing to give it up if He asked me to? The issue is one in my heart of which is more important. If I will say "Not my will..." like Jesus.

Because God's will, God's love is a transforming love... It's not to say that I want something and God will keep me from it, but He will come in and transform my heart so the desires of my heart are His desires.

When I first went to college, I didn't want to be a teacher, but my passion for education ignited as I tutored students in writing and now looking back, I can see how He's been preparing me to be a teacher for a long time. He's had stories and novels inside me since I was a child, and now they're coming out into manuscripts.

Lent is a great time to ponder and meditate on these big questions, when we ponder with Jesus, when we contemplate His temptations, when we walk through a fast with him... and I think, the one thing that I dedicate my life to won't be finding a partner, but following God and loving as many people as He puts around me.

That isn't to say there aren't things I want or goals I have. Paying off my school loans will be awesome. Doing some more travelling. Learning a language fluently. Getting an MA in Literature and Psychology. Publishing a novel.

I have a fair few projects I'm working on... but these pale in comparison to loving the people God's placed around me: my friends and family, my church community, my work colleagues, my students, strangers in my path throughout the day...

Because at the end of the day, it's all about loving and serving others. I can publish novels, but it won't make me happy unless those stories touch and transform the hearts of my readers. I can study all I like, but unless I'm serving others and loving them into better people, it's useless. I can speak 10 languages, but unless I communicate with someone, what's the point?

So this Lent, I'm going to try to rest into these conversations with God... not fighting, assuming He's going to make my life miserable, but sinking into the peace that He will bring me abundant life, and that my hope, my faith is in Him, "for I am dead and my life is hid with Christ in God." Colossians 3:3

"Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to thee.... Take my love, my Lord, I pour, at your feet it's treasure store. Take myself and I will be, ever only all for thee." - Frances Havergal