To converse with the greats
by trying their blindfolds on;
to correspond with books
by rewriting them;
to edit holy edicts,
and at the midnight hour
to talk with the clock by tapping a wall
in the solitary confinement of the universe.
Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights I call it a draw
Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights I wish they'd just fall off
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don't know anymore...
~ Fun
So this past week, I was in a funk... do I know why? Nope... I had ennui, metaphysical angst... I wanted to run away and hide separately... I wanted to cling to someone and punch someone in the face... All in all, I'm just glad I'm feeling better now.
This song has been playing nonstop on my ipod... for some reason I can't get the lyrics out of my head. Especially the line "What do I stand for?" What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Sometimes I feel like support has been dwindled down in our techy society. I can like something on facebook or twitter or youtube or geez... even the Independent.co.uk social reader... So... showing my support for something doesn't really involve more than the flick of an index finger.
How much thought am I really putting into all this support then? Are all these things the things that make up me? "Most nights I don't know anymore..."
This past year (2012) there have been some insane arguments... Limbaugh's remarks on women, the Presidential campaign, Occupy everything, whether or not this or that is a conspiracy, the fiscal cliff... I can't keep up with all the words that have been printed and posted about all of these things... I can't keep up with all the things being debated about gun control and being conservative and liberal and I absolutely detest all the super sarcastic and droll oversimplifications that people keep posting as gifs or images on facebook... "Tell the conservatives to stay out of my vagina" and whatnot... it's SO much more involved than that... for reals.
So... in a world where I'm constantly representing myself to the public, constantly having a personal style for everything from my phone case to my shoe laces, "What do I stand for?"
Now, the lyrics to the Fun song may or may not be about the deluge of information and creating identity in a multi-pluralistic society (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up), but that's how I'm taking them... My lips can create castles... I can talk and talk and comment and post and like and engage and build up this Platonic ideal in my head of who I am and what everything I do means and everything I am means... and some nights "I wish they'd just fall off..." and I want to hurl my laptop across the room because there's nothing important to be said... is any of it actually important? How important is everyone's voice? How do I choose who to listen to? Is my "liking" of certain voices constitute a political or economic (and therefore political) choice?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I guess that's part of how I've felt this past week. Like there was a part of me I couldn't escape, past and future... I was seeing "ghosts" and wanting to shadow box and hide at the same time (and not in any way which would make me like a ninja)... I was letting things which are past control my future, even if it was just in my head... and I really don't need to.
And now for you, and for me, a deluge of classic literature and quotes...
The question, O me! so sad,
recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer.
That you are here—that life exists,
and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and
you will contribute a verse. ~ from "O Me! O Life!" by Walt Whitman
"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." -Lao-Tzu
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. – H.D. Thoreau
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield. -from "Ulysses" by Alfred Lord Tennyson
I don't know how much you'll appreciate these quotes... honestly, I'm having second thoughts about posting them, because, they are quite common. But oddly enough, these are the words that give me the courage to throw my voice into the mix, even if I'm not contributing anything new. I don't want to worry about being chic and fresh... I want to be authentic, and not worry about what everyone else is thinking about my posts, but just express my thoughts.
My thoughts... well... I'm worried about the authenticity of "interest" in today's society if it's so easy for me to be interested in so many things and generally know almost nothing about them. It concerns me that the world seems to be turning into a popularity contest where consensus is used to judge the value of everything.
I just have the feeling that deep down some things will contradict other things, and at some point, I'm going to have to fight for one at the sake of the other, and people will disagree and possibly hate me (depending on how much of a jerk I am, I suppose), but... isn't it just the nature of the universe that things are going to be opposed?
Unlike R. W. Emerson said "Speak what you think to-day in words as hard as cannon-balls and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day"; I want to speak slowly and thoughtfully and when I speak, believe myself, with timeless thoughts and words that smack at truth so that when tomorrow comes, today's experience has brought me closer to wisdom, potentially at the sake of popularity, economy, or politics. And while I think I know what some of those things are so far, some nights, I don't know anymore...
“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~Lao Tzu
I'll be the first one to tell you that I don't know much about business or economics or markets... in fact, I hate all things related to money. I wouldn't mind if society went back to a barter system, or if everything ended up being free like in those weird Utopian books... like The Host (I totally just went there... )
Recently, several of my lady friends have been discussing their unhappiness... either because their life isn't what they think it should be, or because people are giving them grief because their lives aren't what other people think their lives should be.
Whether we like it or not, we tend to pace our lives by the lives of the people around us. Last year this article by the NY Times discussed the ways 20 somethings are changing their lifestyles... taking longer to "settle down" and complete the 5 steps that sociologists say usually happen by the time one is 30... 5 steps to "being an adult" basically:"completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child."
Let's have a peek at the last 2... I've had a few long term relationships in my life... like less than one can count on one hand. I won't get too specific. But those relationships, though they were wonderful, ended for good reasons, even if those reasons weren't my choice at the time. Now, looking back, it was so good that they did end.
When in relationships the most fun thing to do is make plans together. Being together, that connection you share with your significant other, makes the world your oyster. Everything seems possible. Together my past partners and I planned to work in villages in Africa, to sail all the way around South America, and to be professors together in some posh European University Town... We planned babies and houses and family vacations, but none of it came to fruition (unless they're planning similar things with their wives now, since, most of them are married, and I wish them all the best).
So am I a failure at relationships since my relationships failed? I hear that phrase all the time "failed relationships" and I don't know if I completely understand it. The idea that any relationship that doesn't last forever is "failed" is ridiculous for me. There are plenty of people who aren't in my life anymore and that doesn't mean that our relationship failed... it doesn't mean we aren't on good terms... it doesn't mean it isn't for the best.
In fact, I truly believe that holding on to bad relationships that are hurting you is far more disastrous than maturely letting go and moving on.
So as I'm looking around at my many married friends, I wish them all the best, but that feeling needs to be mutual. As my friends start sprouting families and having babies, I want to be a part of it, I want to get to know their children and encourage them and love them, but that doesn't mean that my life doesn't have meaning because I'm not having children or working on a marriage or saving for a house or getting on the property ladder. Are sociologists right? Am I not an adult if I haven't completed these 5 steps?
But despite this competition that seems to be going on between the marrieds and the singles, there's an even more hurtful sort of competition going on... and I'm getting tired of it.
The competition between singles of their "hobbies and careers".
I completely understand that people like to set goals and reach them. I understand that people are proud of their accomplishments... I get it. I'm proud of everything I've accomplished... I get giddy talking about my classes and what's new at my job... I might even rant a little, just is the depth of my passion for education.
But I'm not talking about passion, I'm talking about those people who will brag about how much they spend on shoes or how many degrees they have or how many promotions they've gotten at work or how many marathons they've run or how green they are or how much they are saving the world.
Most of the people that I know that are actually out there saving the world don't have too much time to brag about it, and they would never... cause they tend to be the humblest people I know. (sorry I had to go there)
But just maybe sometimes, other people aren't the ones judging you... sometimes, or in my case, most of the time, I'm judging myself.
Almost everyone I know has an MA degree in something... I LOVE education, being a student, learning, etc. and I don't have one. I haven't had the opportunity to get one, or five, ya know...
But does that make me less intelligent? No... intelligence isn't measured by the pieces of paper one has...
Does it make me less qualified even? Not for some things...
Are any of my friends with MA's meeting at the bar without me, or starting up online forums or private facebook groups to talk about how much of a loser I am because I don't have an MA? God I hope not!!
No... they aren't... because they aren't the ones judging me... I'm judging myself.
A good friend of mine has been working on literally saving the world. A civil engineer, she works for the water project and has saved up time and money from work to go all over the world and help villages have access to water, or cleaner water, or more water. She's even taken a 2 week crash medical course so when she goes to these remote places, if there's no other doctor available she can deal with medical emergencies! She goes rock climbing and bungee jumping and sky diving, but she does it on trips where she's serving thousands of people all over the world.
Reading her email today about her latest trip to Haiti, I was overcome with the feeling of inadequacy. What have I done with my meager 27 years (technically 28... didn't want to confuse). If I can't pace my life by the lives of others around me, than what measures should I be using to chart whether or not my life is good?
This moment... of not knowing how to measure my life, just makes me think of how preposterous it is to think about measuring a life in the first place. As preposterous as trying to measure poetry...
The only time I hear people celebrating life is when they're celebrating things they have... not the life they are living. I wish, like Walt Whitman, that
