“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” ~Lao Tzu
Recently, several of my lady friends have been discussing their unhappiness... either because their life isn't what they think it should be, or because people are giving them grief because their lives aren't what other people think their lives should be.
Whether we like it or not, we tend to pace our lives by the lives of the people around us. Last year this article by the NY Times discussed the ways 20 somethings are changing their lifestyles... taking longer to "settle down" and complete the 5 steps that sociologists say usually happen by the time one is 30... 5 steps to "being an adult" basically:"completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child."
Let's have a peek at the last 2... I've had a few long term relationships in my life... like less than one can count on one hand. I won't get too specific. But those relationships, though they were wonderful, ended for good reasons, even if those reasons weren't my choice at the time. Now, looking back, it was so good that they did end.
When in relationships the most fun thing to do is make plans together. Being together, that connection you share with your significant other, makes the world your oyster. Everything seems possible. Together my past partners and I planned to work in villages in Africa, to sail all the way around South America, and to be professors together in some posh European University Town... We planned babies and houses and family vacations, but none of it came to fruition (unless they're planning similar things with their wives now, since, most of them are married, and I wish them all the best).
So am I a failure at relationships since my relationships failed? I hear that phrase all the time "failed relationships" and I don't know if I completely understand it. The idea that any relationship that doesn't last forever is "failed" is ridiculous for me. There are plenty of people who aren't in my life anymore and that doesn't mean that our relationship failed... it doesn't mean we aren't on good terms... it doesn't mean it isn't for the best.
In fact, I truly believe that holding on to bad relationships that are hurting you is far more disastrous than maturely letting go and moving on.
So as I'm looking around at my many married friends, I wish them all the best, but that feeling needs to be mutual. As my friends start sprouting families and having babies, I want to be a part of it, I want to get to know their children and encourage them and love them, but that doesn't mean that my life doesn't have meaning because I'm not having children or working on a marriage or saving for a house or getting on the property ladder. Are sociologists right? Am I not an adult if I haven't completed these 5 steps?
But despite this competition that seems to be going on between the marrieds and the singles, there's an even more hurtful sort of competition going on... and I'm getting tired of it.
The competition between singles of their "hobbies and careers".
I completely understand that people like to set goals and reach them. I understand that people are proud of their accomplishments... I get it. I'm proud of everything I've accomplished... I get giddy talking about my classes and what's new at my job... I might even rant a little, just is the depth of my passion for education.
But I'm not talking about passion, I'm talking about those people who will brag about how much they spend on shoes or how many degrees they have or how many promotions they've gotten at work or how many marathons they've run or how green they are or how much they are saving the world.
Most of the people that I know that are actually out there saving the world don't have too much time to brag about it, and they would never... cause they tend to be the humblest people I know. (sorry I had to go there)
But just maybe sometimes, other people aren't the ones judging you... sometimes, or in my case, most of the time, I'm judging myself.
Almost everyone I know has an MA degree in something... I LOVE education, being a student, learning, etc. and I don't have one. I haven't had the opportunity to get one, or five, ya know...
But does that make me less intelligent? No... intelligence isn't measured by the pieces of paper one has...
Does it make me less qualified even? Not for some things...
Are any of my friends with MA's meeting at the bar without me, or starting up online forums or private facebook groups to talk about how much of a loser I am because I don't have an MA? God I hope not!!
No... they aren't... because they aren't the ones judging me... I'm judging myself.
A good friend of mine has been working on literally saving the world. A civil engineer, she works for the water project and has saved up time and money from work to go all over the world and help villages have access to water, or cleaner water, or more water. She's even taken a 2 week crash medical course so when she goes to these remote places, if there's no other doctor available she can deal with medical emergencies! She goes rock climbing and bungee jumping and sky diving, but she does it on trips where she's serving thousands of people all over the world.
Reading her email today about her latest trip to Haiti, I was overcome with the feeling of inadequacy. What have I done with my meager 27 years (technically 28... didn't want to confuse). If I can't pace my life by the lives of others around me, than what measures should I be using to chart whether or not my life is good?
This moment... of not knowing how to measure my life, just makes me think of how preposterous it is to think about measuring a life in the first place. As preposterous as trying to measure poetry...
The only time I hear people celebrating life is when they're celebrating things they have... not the life they are living. I wish, like Walt Whitman, that
I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable;
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.
The End...
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