So this confessional blog post may end up being sappy and girly. Readers beware.
I don't know how I feel about how practical online communication is when going through a break up. Even if it's not a "bad break up." Both parties agree about the situation, you've decided to be friends, there's some sadness, yes, but it's the distance, and both of you just aren't in the right "space" for a relationship. It doesn't seem so bad.
So my life went back to the way it had been before L. My heart has been healed by him. My life enriched, yes, but he met me in an awesome part of my life - I was flourishing then. So of course the absence of him leaves a mark, like that fingerprint on the banana that turns into the first bruise. But, if we remember, the brown bananas are the sweetest, and I wouldn't take it back for anything.
L went back to Brazil. Let's face it - neither of us planned on falling in love while he was here studying. It just happened. It is the right thing to say goodbye, whether it's for now or forever. We'll see.
But we both said good bye and let's be friends and we'll keep in touch as we entered perhaps the busiest time of our lives. And normally this wouldn't be so bad. Normally it's AWESOME to be busy after a break up because you have something to pour all of your energy into - all the energy that would normally go into loving that person needs to go SOMEWHERE and now it has an outlet. I remember after my first real break up when I was 13 I joined like 50 clubs at school and within a year was running most of them. I can credit most of my extra curriculars to J and I breaking up in 1999.
So anyway, I'm high on coffee, I'm getting shit done, I'm being AWESOME, and then I see L pop online and I pull a full-on Carrie Bradshaw.
In my head I know he's busy being awesome in Brazil; rocking work, university, and 2 household moves - throw in volunteering for flair - and trying to have a life with a very large Brazilian family. It's a wonder he sleeps.
But that doesn't stop the ice from running through my veins when I see him come online and not say hi to me. Because the high-maintenance part of me that is still a 15-year-old-girl wants attention, and assumes there's a reason he isn't talking to me, and she basically goes ape shit, and THEN I sign off because it's TORTURE to be online and trying to control myself and NOT message him and just WAIT for him to message me, and then because I sign off, I think that maybe he was going to talk to me, but I've just run away from him. No matter how I look at it, I fail.
I've had a few long distance boyfriends and after a while, it usually gets to the point where we know it can't go anywhere - where we both know that we wanted logistics to work, but they aren't, and skype dates (even all night ones) (that's not what I meant) (don't be dirty) aren't the same as lying in someone's arms. But it's ok because after you unfriend them from every social media outlet ever, they already live far away so you never have to run into them or see them - and let's face it, you need to disconnect online or you'll just end up stalking them endlessly and who wants to be THAT girl? Not me.
I also know that the crazy 15-year-old in my head is nuts. I know that he doesn't hang out online all day purposefully ignoring me, that he checks stuff, organizes something and heads out (because that's just how he rolls). I know that what's happening with the silence is bigger than how we feel about each other. I also know that the silence is easier, I'm assuming for both of us, because after you break up, when you want to be together, and logistics just are lame, and you're used to talking about everything everyday, you analyse every word, every pause, every hesitation, to see if this person still loves you, or is letting go of you. It's easier to believe we're still friends when we don't talk in rushed chat messages, waiting to have a (hopefully one day) meaningful conversation.
Every look used to be meaningful, every sigh, but we agreed to forego those things, and focus on what we needed to do in our lives - our other responsibilities. Because let's face it, real life isn't a romantic comedy where both people can just quit their jobs and move across the world with the no money they have and end up being happy.
So 15-year-old girl in my head, SHUT UP, because you're ruining the silence. You're ruining the I-get-it-ness that I'd been experiencing as I let out slack in this relationship, but hold onto the end to see what comes of it. We both agreed we wouldn't let go, and maybe in time we'll both be able to come up for air long enough to figure stuff out. But till then, I need to trust in the person I fell in love with. Even if he's far away and silent, he's still him.
I don't know how I feel about how practical online communication is when going through a break up. Even if it's not a "bad break up." Both parties agree about the situation, you've decided to be friends, there's some sadness, yes, but it's the distance, and both of you just aren't in the right "space" for a relationship. It doesn't seem so bad.
So my life went back to the way it had been before L. My heart has been healed by him. My life enriched, yes, but he met me in an awesome part of my life - I was flourishing then. So of course the absence of him leaves a mark, like that fingerprint on the banana that turns into the first bruise. But, if we remember, the brown bananas are the sweetest, and I wouldn't take it back for anything.
L went back to Brazil. Let's face it - neither of us planned on falling in love while he was here studying. It just happened. It is the right thing to say goodbye, whether it's for now or forever. We'll see.
But we both said good bye and let's be friends and we'll keep in touch as we entered perhaps the busiest time of our lives. And normally this wouldn't be so bad. Normally it's AWESOME to be busy after a break up because you have something to pour all of your energy into - all the energy that would normally go into loving that person needs to go SOMEWHERE and now it has an outlet. I remember after my first real break up when I was 13 I joined like 50 clubs at school and within a year was running most of them. I can credit most of my extra curriculars to J and I breaking up in 1999.
So anyway, I'm high on coffee, I'm getting shit done, I'm being AWESOME, and then I see L pop online and I pull a full-on Carrie Bradshaw.
In my head I know he's busy being awesome in Brazil; rocking work, university, and 2 household moves - throw in volunteering for flair - and trying to have a life with a very large Brazilian family. It's a wonder he sleeps.
But that doesn't stop the ice from running through my veins when I see him come online and not say hi to me. Because the high-maintenance part of me that is still a 15-year-old-girl wants attention, and assumes there's a reason he isn't talking to me, and she basically goes ape shit, and THEN I sign off because it's TORTURE to be online and trying to control myself and NOT message him and just WAIT for him to message me, and then because I sign off, I think that maybe he was going to talk to me, but I've just run away from him. No matter how I look at it, I fail.
I've had a few long distance boyfriends and after a while, it usually gets to the point where we know it can't go anywhere - where we both know that we wanted logistics to work, but they aren't, and skype dates (even all night ones) (that's not what I meant) (don't be dirty) aren't the same as lying in someone's arms. But it's ok because after you unfriend them from every social media outlet ever, they already live far away so you never have to run into them or see them - and let's face it, you need to disconnect online or you'll just end up stalking them endlessly and who wants to be THAT girl? Not me.
I also know that the crazy 15-year-old in my head is nuts. I know that he doesn't hang out online all day purposefully ignoring me, that he checks stuff, organizes something and heads out (because that's just how he rolls). I know that what's happening with the silence is bigger than how we feel about each other. I also know that the silence is easier, I'm assuming for both of us, because after you break up, when you want to be together, and logistics just are lame, and you're used to talking about everything everyday, you analyse every word, every pause, every hesitation, to see if this person still loves you, or is letting go of you. It's easier to believe we're still friends when we don't talk in rushed chat messages, waiting to have a (hopefully one day) meaningful conversation.
Every look used to be meaningful, every sigh, but we agreed to forego those things, and focus on what we needed to do in our lives - our other responsibilities. Because let's face it, real life isn't a romantic comedy where both people can just quit their jobs and move across the world with the no money they have and end up being happy.
So 15-year-old girl in my head, SHUT UP, because you're ruining the silence. You're ruining the I-get-it-ness that I'd been experiencing as I let out slack in this relationship, but hold onto the end to see what comes of it. We both agreed we wouldn't let go, and maybe in time we'll both be able to come up for air long enough to figure stuff out. But till then, I need to trust in the person I fell in love with. Even if he's far away and silent, he's still him.
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