Love and Marriage: Will not getting married ruin my life?

In my 27 years I've mused for most of them about being married. Growing up in the US, it's expected of you, especially women (at least in my experience) (since moving to London, I find a lot of other cultures don't "push" marriage like the US does)... As a young girl, my mother would drag me through aisles in the department stores full of towels and curtains and I would be SO bored! As a teenager and a college student I would muse about what I would do with my house in those same aisles and today, sitting in the lounge, I paged through the IKEA catalogue, imagining my own place (which I doubt I'll ever be able to afford). 


I've mused on my own and with friends about how many children I want and what colors my wedding might be and where, etc. This has come to little more than event brain-storming... 

But, you see, I haven't thought much about what my life would be like if I were married because I don't know. There's only so much I can imagine by myself without a partner there to make up the difference, ya know? I can pick out colors and styles, but I can't fill the void of the life, experiences and attitudes of a man in my mind... 


And, I think, when I read the books I love to read, and I see all the mess relationships seem to form, the uncertainty, the trust, the attitude, the fights, the messiness of it all... when I read about and see the abuse and the loneliness that can happen in a family. It's absolutely terrifying, magnificent, and life-changing, I see it and I feel so very much like a chicken-shit... I'd be terrified, terrified, but so excited. 


But, still, throughout history, getting married hasn't been picking out china patterns and double-checking a guest list. It still is rarely about falling in love in much of the world. Marriages have historically been formed for financial and political reasons, for the comfort of men, and for keeping-up-appearances, and sometimes, sometimes people have married for love. 


Here are some of the literary "highlights" of marriage: 


In "Changes: A love story," Ama Ata Aidoo goes through some interesting aspects of life in modern Nigeria, including bride prices and spousal rape, along with the trials of a woman trying to be a professional instead of merely hanging out around the house and looking after the family. 


Adiche, in "Half a Yellow Sun" also chronicles the political and social trials of war in Africa while also highlighting the maritial and relationship troubles in a family in Nigeria. 


In, "The God of Small Things" married life in India is either abusive, non-existent, unwanted or forbidden... 

Even in the recently popular "Eat. Pray. Love." the idea of divorce and "wanting" to be married, "wanting" someone, and the issues around marriage in India (her friend who'd rather study than marry) and Bali (her divorced and essentially homeless friend in Bali). It also highlights the sometimes awkward situations single people of a certain age sometimes find themselves in. 

In Shakespeare, romance usually involves sparky women dressing as men to trick men into seeing them into something more than just arm-candy, or, sharp-witted men bludgeoning rebellious women into "their own way." Quiet, submissive women are usually killed off in the end... 


Yes, most of the marriages in Shakespeare are the first I remember reading where women and men pursue one another out of love and marry for love--and what divine entertainment it is! 


Jane Austen, one of my favorite authors, also chronicles the variety of situations that single-tons and couples find themselves in. Stubbornness, mis-communication, pettiness, and oh--the glory of connecting with that special someone... all in one novel. Still, Austen's characters fight against the social norms which inhibit them: poverty, usefulness, the idea of beauty, competition between women, and the games of love. 


Some men merely want to "have" the prettiest wife, some women want to marry for status or riches, and some want to marry so they can be looked after... 


So in the rat-race of "why should I get married?" I scream out "for love" when really, this concept is very western, and has been battling against the social "conveniences" of being married for a long time, considering that many places in the world still considers women the property of her husband who is "bought" or "traded" from her father for "goods"... 


Below is an excerpt from the 2005 film of Pride and Prejudice which has kept coming to my mind since halfway through my 27th year (when I was 26)... and it still comes to mind now:


Elizabeth Bennet: Charlotte!
Charlotte Lucas: My dear Lizzie. I've come to tell you the news. Mr. Collins and I are... engaged.
Elizabeth Bennet: To be married?
Charlotte Lucas: Yes of course. What other kind of engaged is there?
[Lizzie looks shocked]
Charlotte Lucas: Oh, for Heaven's sake! Don't look at me like that Lizzie! There is no Earthly reason why I shouldn't be as happy with him as any other.
Elizabeth Bennet: But he's ridiculous!
Charlotte Lucas: Oh hush! Not all of us can afford to be romantic. I've been offered a comfortable home and protection. There's alot to be thankful for.
Elizabeth Bennet: But...
Charlotte Lucas: I'm twenty-seven years old, I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents and I'm frightened. So don't you dare judge me Lizzie. Don't you dare! 


So 6 months before turning 27, I thought to myself: I'm not a burden on my parents, I don't have much money, but I have a pretty nice job, and the world is my oyster... I am frightened, sometimes, but... isn't that just life? 


All in all, my "prospects" on getting married feel similar to Charlotte Lucas': with the marriage rate going down and the divorce rate going up, it just seems like marriage, or faithfulness in marriage, is passe. 

That doesn't have to mean game-over for me though life-wise... I want to marry for love, not convenience, and for real, my political aspirations (which don't really exist) don't include marriage right now... lol. So really, the only reason I would marry would be for love and perhaps comfort... (any sugar daddies out there wanna support my book fetish?) JK


Getting all open, etc., I have been in love a few times, and the ideas of marriage have been discussed, but it's never gone anywhere. I remember the feeling of safety, of companionship, that buzz deep down somewhere inside cosied up to my fella, wanting that moment to last forever. 


But loving someone and being able to make a marriage work are very different. As Antoine de Saint-Exupery famously said, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

That has always been what's missing in my relationships... a shared vision of where we would look and go together. 

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I'm so all-over-the-place that I need to slow down and BAM a husband will fall into my lap. Or maybe, I made the right decisions and there will be a fella who's as scatter-brained as I am (or who can at least deal with my scatter-brained-ness)... who knows? But I do know that a husband isn't the answer to anything, and not having one will not ruin my life. So when I find "my penguin" or "duck" or "eagle" (what is it about birds mating for life?), it can only be an awesome addition to an already awesome existence.