Taking the Lead

Is it me or does it look like a
reflected Darth Vader  helmet?

So, a few of my posts have gotten some commentary (mostly on fb), but please, post on here as well. :) And many of you successfully matched fillies are telling me that women are totally fine to ask a guy out. 


I would like to take this moment to say that I completely agree with you. I don't think it's unfeminine or too controlling or anything else to see someone you like or think you might like and go for it. 


In fact, I've done it, on more than one occasion. I usually end up asking my boyfriends out, actually. So, of course I know it's completely cool. 


But right now, in my particular life, I feel like I need to go in a different direction. I do go out and get the things I want, work-wise, etc. I work hard and I make things happen, so why should my love life be any different, you ask? 


And the reason is because my romantic relationships seem to affect me differently than other aspects of my life. And they do, don't they? In my work life I am assertive and capable of leadership, and in my personal life I am as well, but I want to be wanted. I want, not only to be needed, but to be desired. Not just so that I fill some void in my partner, but simply for myself. How do I know if I am wanted if I'm always initiating everything? 


Some Christian books I've read, (and here's a brill article about it here) make it sound like being an assertive woman is a sin. Like it's unfeminine, like it's almost dirty. 

There's nothing yellow about Jael ;)

Yet, women who are renowned as biblical heroes often made the first move in their relationships, lest we forget Esther the beauty queen, Ruth who basically crawled into bed with Drunk Boaz, and Jael, who lured the enemy into her tent and then drove a spike through his skull while he slept (Judges 4). 


Women are fabulous and if any of you wants to go ahead and make the move, go for it. From some guys I've talked to, they'd love it, and seem to not like always having to make the first move. 


But for me, I know I can make the first move, and I need to learn to wait. I need to learn that men can lead me and they have something to offer me. I need to learn to let them lead (amazingly I've been told I'm an amazing follow in dancing, but I don't know how well I have transferred this skill to my personal life). 

In my heart I'm... 

On the dance floor I'm a pro... 

(This pic is from the Swing Club at my Uni! Wicked Cool!) 


The oddly paradoxical thing is that as I've waited and been single, I've gotten more confident and sure of myself, not less so. I'm more reliant on who I know myself to be, who God says I am, than on who my partner sees me as, or who random guys see me as. 


Sometimes I am kinda harsh to women in relationships who tell me how secure they feel. They tell me that being loved and provided for helps them feel safe, etc. 


But these women tend to also not handle anxiety or change well. 


I'm really glad the men in their lives are providing for them and helping them be these lovely women, but what happens if those men are no longer there? They are just human, lest we forget. 


For me, being single and living alone in a city has taught me that, as Simon Guillebaud said, "Safety isn't found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of God." 


There are moments when I long to feel safe in a man's arms... don't get me wrong, that would be amazing. But that wouldn't change the fact that real safety is found with the Creator. 

Women don't have the same constraints as we used to. We don't need to get married to be able to run a household and look after ourselves. We don't need a man to provide for us. And the same is true for men... they don't need women to look after them in the same way. The gender roles we once knew are slowly disappearing, and with it comes freedom and, in my case, confusion. 

Not that I don't like this freedom, but I feel like families and couples and singles are finding it difficult to navigate the "if I want it, it can be mine" culture with the faithfulness, the responsibilities, the steadiness that can be expected in a family relationship. 

Part of this, I think, comes from this idea that steadiness means old, elderly, predictable, etc., which is just untrue. 

Which explains some of the looks I get when I have very honest conversations with women about my beliefs about men and relationships... very often the term "old-fashioned" comes up in respect to me. 

And it's true... I like to think retro, but yes, old-fashioned, for now. Yes, for now, I need this time to wait, and to focus on me. I'm becoming more confident in the mix, so it can't be all bad, right?