March, End of Term, and Vacay

So there has been very little but insanity, of many varieties, that has been wrought since my last post. I am currently sitting in my parents' living room on my new computer, typing to y'all, smelling a delicious roast waiting for me for dinner.

This seemingly pastoral moment has taken a lot of preparation to get to. I've been packing and doing laundry most of the day... scratch that, most of the week.

Thinking back to March is hard. I seem so far away from it now (probably repressing the memories). I know that I've felt off focus for a while, grasping at straws to try to get back to myself, to my purpose, to my raison d'etre, as the French would say. My job is stressful and harried, but what teaching job isn't? It's scattered, and that's what makes it hardest. The name of this year is "Getting By." I have signed on for another year, but coming home and being here just made me think, I could get some job here, live with one of my fabulous friends, and be much happier... life would be easier, etc. But I don't think life is about easy, it's about following God. God says England. Whatever my purpose is there, it's not over yet. The stretching, the getting out of myself, the living for others, the trying to be responsible with the meager funds I'm provided with.

I think I'll feel differently when I get back to the grind in Dagenham. I've had some of the greatest opportunities there. I'm really making some great friends at church, in pastorate and in choir. I've been able to sing amazing compilations by Handel and other great song writers in church and perform again. It's been awesome. I get to design an EAL program (which is a lot of work, but fun). I get to work with some of the liveliest kids, though sometimes frustrating, and it's been a lot of fun and a lot of trials, as is life.

I think I, like a lot of my friends and colleagues, needed this break. It was better than Christmas, which was wrought with the insanity of the holidays, but still a bit harried with travel, Florida, graduations, etc. I have to say I'm so proud of my lil bro, Adam... he can be a bit sullen at times, but he rocks as a cinematographer. I'm excited for his future. He also so graciously gave me a skateboard, so watch out Dagenham... I'm coming for you!

Seeing Brittany and Jodi and all my other great friends (Kimmy, Kristin) was utterly fantastic! I am so blessed to have such great sisters. It was also so much fun to see Chris (ooh rah!) and spend time with someone who gives so much to his family and community.

It was also good to know that after about 12 years, I can still camp on the ground in a tent... go me! I think it's important to know what you can live without. After a few nights, it felt fine to be sleeping on the ground in our little tent. I didn't know what to do when I finally got to my bed in Jersey.

I would say more about FL, but what happens in Daytona STAYS in Daytona. I will say that it was wonderful to meet some of my family that I haven't seen since I was little, and to get to tour around Orlando (and completely ignore the huge theme parks) and hang with friends. I will not forget the $10 cowgirl boots! I am so rocking them around London this spring, and all the insanity with weather and driving around (You're holding the map upsidedown!). I completely drank my fill of Starbucks vanilla frapuccinos in the bottles... geez, probably almost one a day). The shananigans with TRYING, but not succeeding, at getting our campfire started. Don't people accidentally light fires all the time, but now that we're TRYING to it won't F****ing light! LoL.

Getting back to Jersey felt like old times. I really know this place. It's odd to feel like you can have 2 homes. I feel like I belong in London, but I feel like I belong here too. I can settle into a good book in a coffee shop and go to it for a couple of hours, watching the people walk by, get around where I need to get, find the good food, etc. I know what to say to make people smile, I know where to hang... isn't that a home?

I think that with whatever God has in store for me, knowing that I'm resilient will help me make those transitions.

Not that it's all fun and games. Mom's goal was to get me as much moved out of the house as possible. Maybe we didn't quite meet her expectations, but most of my stuff is gone. Digging through some of that stuff was very emotional. Some of it was just nostalgic and some of it was exhausting... how did I ever accomplish so much. It makes me tired just thinking about all the stuff I've done in my life. It also makes me sad. I love who I am, don't get me wrong, but I think that for such a long time I lived by two mottos: 1: you have to be better than other's to get love, 2: you have to do a lot of stuff to earn that love. I don't remember actively signing on to these mottos, but when things didn't go my way, it was always "BUT LOOK AT ALL I'VE DONE!" "Oh, I'm better than her/him because I've done all this" "What do you mean they don't ..." Etc. I wanted to be better so I could use it as leverage to argue my way out of situations and status' I didn't want. That's unfortunately how the world works. There is an unspoken hierarchy built into the universe that determines our value. But NOW, I am tired, and I want to enjoy life, and follow it where God takes me, and I don't care if I'm better... I am just me. Lao Tsu once said, when you are content to just be and don't compete or compare, everyone will respect you. I think that's not true... people will always compete and compare with you whether you want them to or not, but I do think that a genuine, self-satisfied, contented attitude speaks for itself and doesn't demand, but deserves respect.

I think this happens in relationships all the time... people want to be better than others cause then people will want them. At the end of the day, I don't want my boyfriend to love me because I'm better than all the other women he's met so far. I don't want to keep having to earn it my entire life... I want someone who sees something special in me just as I am and will never be satisfied with anything else, better or worse, because it's not me.

Well, after all this ranting, I'm gonna hang out and enjoy my last moments home for I don't even know how long.

God Bless.