Getting the Fire Back

So in a few hours I dove into Breaking Dawn. The books, like Harry Potter, are easy to read and almost impossible to put down. Everytime I read one of the books, I have nightmares about how it will end.

I also had a really weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was having an affair with a student and kissed him at a school event. It was sooo weird, mostly because I would never do something like that. It was definitely more nightmare than dream because after I did it, I couldn't get away. I was lost. I was trying to get out of the building and ran through this room that I guess belongs to some other people and they chased me out of the room, somewhat violently.

It's been so great coming home. I've been resting and reading, seeing my family and spending time with them even though they are quite busy. It's good coming home and knowing how loved you are.

Everyone keeps asking me about the man front. There really isn't anything going on. Grayson's gone and I still love him... which isn't too hard to admit. I know I didn't do anything wrong... whatever happened, happened on his end. I wish I could get to know, but that might not happen. For a long time I felt like I just had to let things happen, and maybe I do, but part of me wants to fight... to stand up for myself. I think it started when my friend Katie was asking me about it and I told her. She got angry and asked for his email and apparently emailed him. It was so nice to have someone stick up for me, to demand that I deserved better, that I should have some closure,... it was so nice to know that someone wanted me to be happy and be able to move on. Not that my other friends don't want those things for me, but just felt it wasn't their place. Katie knows that, but there's a fire in her that doesn't care... and I think it was just what I needed recently. When you have to let a lot of things go, you start to feel a bit helpless, like you don't get to have an opinion about anything anymore. It's so nice when someone comes along and gives you the fire back.

I think this time home will be very healing for me, so I can go back to London and fight for another year.

In other news, I just signed up for a conference to see Rev. Desmond Tutu speak. It should be amazing. Can. Not. Wait. After seeing Jackie Pullinger this spring I realized all that London had to offer... including proximity to famous speakers and thinkers. Oh London, if only you had nicer weather. You would be perfect.