Karma got me.
Browsing through the newsfeed I saw a face I haven't seen in a long time.
My ex's face.
He technically got rid of his fb account, but I'm still friends with his sister. I think I'm still friends with him. I think our relationship ended amicably and I wish him all happiness, love and light.
And I might, maybe, perhaps... there's a chance... just a chance, mind you, that I'm still in love with him.
But I'm not sure.
I knew she'd seen him at her other sister's wedding and sure enough, the pic is of the family in the Caribbean somewhere with 4 gorgeous women and 1 very happy looking man.
I always do this to myself. Let me explain...
When relationships end, it's not like I avoid the person forever... they've usually not ended badly... but I tend to be far away. This makes it easy to not see or think about the person.
This makes it easy to not have to think about what you would do or say or how you would act if you did see the person--there's no chance of bumping into them, per say.
A few years ago, a few relationships ago, I finally saw someone pop up on facebook in the chat column and I literally ducked under my desk in a very Carrie Bradshaw "Oh shit! Can he see me?!" moment... knowing full well he couldn't. Instinctively, I ducked... yes I ducked under my desk for a moment like the idiot I am.
Every time I would wonder "will he talk to me? what should I say? should I be kind and forgiving? edgy and bitchy? should I respond? should I ignore him?" AH! All the months of not casually bumping into the ex caught up with me and drove me into panic.
A few years after that, different ex and probably the least dramatic breakup ever, but this afternoon, seeing his picture today, seeing that he still exists, after months of only being a memory, seeing that his hair is still short, seeing the twinkle in his eye, I had a moment.
It was like one of those moments in a movie when the camera keeps zooming in closer and closer and you know you're meant to identify with the person and try to feel what they're feeling and try to understand what they're thinking. I could almost see the computer screen getting bigger and closer, and cutting back and forth from me to his picture, closer and closer each time, the space between undulating like I was in a wormhole or something.
The universe watched me have this moment and saw my heart or my soul or part of me in an alternate universe pull towards him for a moment before I snapped myself out of it.
I quickly turned off facebook, staring at my computer screen as if it has betrayed me in some way... it had witnessed my weakness, a weakness I'm not sure is a weakness at all...
Part of me feels incredibly torn.
The part of me which feels healed and whole and like I've moved on might be ready to love someone new if someone new happened to come along.
I have the feeling of expectation and promise.
The other part of me remembers how deeply and purely I was loved, how amazing this man is, and is worried on a good day, terrified on a bad day, that I'll never find love like this again...
But I can say that today, something was different... today, spellbound and spinning through the cosmos of my own brain, I didn't duck...
I want to duck a lot.
ReplyDelete