Sometimes I'd rather not be beautiful...

Normally, I wouldn't talk about myself as being beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I don't have bed self-esteem or anything, it's just not something I talk about.

Today, several people... men... commented on my beauty.

Let me explain.

I went to my friend's 30th and she has a gay bestfriend and his boyfriend who had been drinking for most of the afternoon and I sat next to them at dinner. They marvelled at how I was a 1930's American beauty and I had to go to the Savoy and how stunning was I, so small and such a figure, etc. etc... It was very flattering. I might have even blushed a few times.

Then, gay-bestfriend fell asleep from drunkenness and I was chatting to boyfriend who was still very flattering. At one point, chairs got mixed up, so we shared one. He is a talk, dark Australian, and much bigger than me and he had his arm around me cause that's where it sort of fit, but then he put his hand on my stomach and left it there a moment, and then realised what he was doing, "Oh my, I'm sorry, I'm touching you."

me: no worries. (didn't feel weird, just an accident, right?)

A moment later, he was feeling my stomach again and commented on how great my figure was... then suddenly came to his senses, "Oh my God, I'm touching you, I'm sorry..."

me: it's ok... not a problem.

Then it happens again... "Oh my God, I'm touching you again, but I sort of want to be touching you..." then, horrified, "I have to go" and he wakes up sleeping boyfriend and rushes out of the restaurant without paying... and I went over to one of my married guy friends, where it was safe. I knew S would never molest my stomach or anything...

Then on the way home I got asked for a light by this guy living in a hotel and I got shouted after me "You're beautiful... and you've got a nice ass... I'm in room 7, and I've got condoms..."... pausing after each phrase as if he either couldn't think fast enough to get it out all at one time, or he was waiting to see if I'd turn around and have a go with him...

But I don't WANT to just be beautiful... I want to be special to someone in particular. Where's the guy who thinks I'm gorgeous and ISN'T GAY? Where's the man who thinks I'm interesting and special? Where's THAT guy?

I know women are beautiful on the inside... but speaking superficially, I see lots of... quasi-attractive and some unattractive ladies who have partners and they are loved and people want them... want them long term because of who they are... I don't think one needs to be beautiful, but special to someone... I get told I'm beautiful, but I'm not special to anyone... and I think I'd rather have it the other way around...