Turning Tables

So, via Glee, I have become obsessed with the song Turning Tables by Adele. I've been wanting her new album anyway, but something deep in my heart resonates with this song even though I haven't been in a relationship in a while. I think on a few levels.

Firstly, I've really felt oppressed by some of my past relationships... not like the men haunt me or oppress me, but the feelings I had, the feelings I held onto, have haunted me, they choke me and I feel trapped by them, and I'm learning to let them go and not have them control me or make me feel stuck. I love the line "Under your thumb I can't breathe"... In Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts, she sings "Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore..." I'm not YOUR ghost, not the other way around.

Secondly, Adele sings "I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no I won't ask you to just desert me..." And sadly, my heart sings at these lyrics because I didn't do that. I did the opposite. I loved, and I loved, and I loved until they had to desert me. I couldn't see that it was over, I held onto the love till long after it was over and I haunted it. It was a shadow inside of me and I'm learning to let it go, I'm learning to defy it. I'm defying the voice that says "He'll come back, and if he doesn't come back, you'll be alone forever because no one else will ever love you." I'm learning to have hope in He who has made me, and believe that I am loved even if it is not by a man. I am loved.

I also love those lines because I have run away from men who want to control me... I don't let them. I move to different countries, loving them passionately, but leaving them nevertheless.

I love those lines because other voices sneak into my head and tell me to close off my heart "no one will love you, so just go after their bodies... just get some satisfaction and then walk away from them. Don't let them into your heart. Don't let them know who you are... just love them superficially." I have not given in to these voices even when it seemed a very viable option.

"I can't give you what you think you give me." Adele is drawing attention to something that really bothers me in relationships... the idea that one's partner is the all-in-all. So often I feel men trying to make me their everything... it's too much pressure. Who can live up to those expectations? That is God's role in our lives. No man can be my everything... I would always be dissatisfied with him... I think so many relationships go bad because of this.

So many songs right now are about women leaving men and becoming stronger... I love that metaphor, that message, but I see so many images of women standing alone. While I know women are so strong, I don't think anyone can stand alone. Really this just seems like running away from an oppressive man, when we should be running into the arms of Jesus... "I'll be my own savior." Yes, you can be independent from men, but not independent from God. You need a community to support you... A man can't be your savior, but you can't be your own savior either.

I hope as I listen and think, I can reflect on why these songs echo in my heart...

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I can't give you, what you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet