Lent Reflections: Hoping Intensely

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3

I had a Bible professor at Messiah College who once said that the first three words of this passage were under contention when being translated. As there are so many different translations of the Bible, it's not suprising... He said that one particular scholar believed it should read "I hoped intensely on the Lord..."

I like both connotations... waiting, quietly, contentedly... hands folded in lap, legs crossed comfortably. I'll be supplied with stocks of chocolates, a bottle of water and a book. With these little comforts, I can wait all day.

I also like the connotation of hoping intensely. The mother who races to the mail box, the face that lights up with expectation... that feeling that there is one thing to make your existence complete and it's almost here.

The past few days have felt like this... everything inside me is a jumble of emotions and nerves like a sack of still damp laundry... I feel the need to sort it quickly before it goes stale.

One thing is certain, the only place I'll find answers is kneeling at the cross... so I've been there on my knees, needing answers.

There isn't any tragedy... nothing serious is panning out. In actuality my life probably seems really great. It's inside my head that there is a problem. Small queries seem so complicated. I can't seem to work out what I'm doing here, what I want to do, who I want to be, what anything means... So I hide and become a fretful menace...

Now because I sound so dramatic, I will say that I understand that feelings are not always real. I may feel like my life is falling apart, but in reality, there is no danger. There is only danger in my heart. Still, my feelings have come from somewhere and they are real because I recognise them and acknowledge them... they are real, so even if they aren't true, they must be dealt with appropriately.

While I've gotten some answers, the ache and longing and questions remain... All I can do is lay down my questions at the altar of my heart and keep waiting for the answers.