I always fall for the wrong guy: Part 3 - Effect

Have you ever met one of those guys that you automatically click with? He's funny, he can get you smiling in a second. You feel at ease with him automatically, you can talk to him effortlessly... so of course, you put him in the "friend box" where you will never screw up the friendship... ever.

And then, there are the guys I fall for (as of late), the artistic and kinda moody guys. They are quiet so you always wonder what they are thinking. You never know what to do around them, so you fidget and wiggle and feel awkward and stupid things gush out of your mouth and if you are like me, you get very very clumsy around them in the manner of Lorelai Gilmore walking into doors (which, btw, I have done...).

I've been thinking lately of the effect people have on me, and what I want my effect to be on them. It's true that because I am shy on the inside, when I like someone, I get awkward and quiet and stupid and clumsy... but shouldn't a great guy have a great effect on me?

There are a few different guys in my life at the moment and I'm going to leave out names and just describe effects...

1. Always makes me smile, gets me giggling, cheers up the entire room. Can talk serious if need be. Helpful. Kind. I leave with a smile, and usually still laughing at the jokes we've shared.

2. Always makes me feel shy, like I might say the wrong thing. Hard to read his thoughts. I can't tell if we're friends or just acquaintances. I have a feeling that he is deeply genuine and that most of what he thinks isn't spoken. I want to know these thoughts, but am scared of asking. I always leave him feeling uncertain.

3. Super efficient. Cheerful in a customer service kind of way. At times, I feel I get the brush off. I leave feeling nettled.

4. Very nice. Very cheerful. Courteous almost to a fault. I want to rile him up and make him unsettled cause it's fun. I like pushing his buttons and it's amazing he still hangs out with me. I feel like Stitch with my badness level up high when I hang out with him. He sees all my argumentativeness and whatnot mostly because he is nice enough to take it. Sometimes I think he sees it as a bit of fun, sometimes I think I exasperate him... I leave feeling like I might need to apologize, and a bit cheeky and naughty, but in a cheerful kind of way.

I'm not saying any of these guys would want me (we'll get to the effect I have on others in a moment)... but of these 4... I should definitely want number 1, right?... But alas, number 2... I'm not going to try to psycho-analyse it at all... it's not true love either. It's just a crush. But, if I could pick who I have a crush on... number 1 all the way.


Ok... so... the effect we have on others doesn't have to be known... effect can be subtle and unspoken and even unrealised. I've seen people whose presence inspires strength and hard work, and others whose presence inspires silliness, whose presence drags people down... not by the interactions, just by the energy they bring.

I want to be a safe place for people... to have strong, soft, peaceful arms that can hold them when they are upset, that can wipe away tears, that can listen (well, ears). I want to bring peace to confusion and order to chaos. God help me... literally...

I want to be joyful. Come for a laugh, a giggle, a joke, a smile. I want eyes that shine with love and happiness which comes from the Lord. I want that beautiful radiant energy that gets people's toes tapping and leaves them shaking their heads. Again, Lord help me... (and coffee ;))

I want to be a place of wisdom... where ideas can be heard and weighed and measured and where it's ok to be wrong. I want people to be able to bring issues and problems and ideas and passions to me. To tell me their dreams. I want to make sure I don't judge people, but am full of encouragement and hope and sound judgement, truth and honesty... God, give me clarity and foresight and a wise tongue.

There are so many other things I want my presence to bring to a space, but I think those are the big three. I can imagine a steel post in the ground... it bends and moves, but it doesn't break, it doesn't get torn out of the ground, it's flexible enough to endure, and strong enough without being impervious.

Imperviousness doesn't allow anything in... It blocks and if something penetrates it, it shatters... It's brittle and breakable, relying only on it's exterior to protect it.

But we know, from Father Raniero Cantalamessa, that God's victory is not one of power, but of love... where he took evil onto himself and with his love he transformed the evil into love, so that love is all that is left...

I hope beyond hope that whatever else people feel when they walk away from me, that the residue of love is glittering over them. As for the guys... we'll sort out my craziness another day...