When Will My Life Begin...

Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true"... good old fatherly advice from Polonius to Laertes, as he's telling his son to run away (irony was definitely Shakespeare's strong suit). And I try to be, true to myself, usually. But lately, I keep feeling like there are so many awesome things out there to do, that I don't know what to do. Hence, I end up doing nothing, inundated by all of these choices, I just read and take a nap. 

Which is fine. 

Cause I work hard and naps are definitely due to me. 

But it's almost like there's this buzzing in my veins, and not just because it's winter and I'm getting cabin fever and want to run around in the sunshine. 

I want to DO something. Something awesome. I just can't decide what that is. 

This is more than having a bucket list. It's more than wanting to be famous or popular (which I actually don't want). 

I feel like I spend more time reading about the awesome things that others are doing than actually doing anything. But my hesitancy isn't wanting to do something even better, it's not comparison, it's almost like, I'm trying to find myself, so when I go off to do something, it's authentic and real, not just copying or grasping for attention or legitimacy. 

I spent a lot of my life wanting to be better than other people. I wanted to be smarter and for everyone to know it. I wanted to be different as a rule. I thought about people as posers and sheep and ignorant. 

I don't like that that is who I was, but I know I'm not that person any more. 

Yet, just because I'm not a hater any more, doesn't mean I want to be a joiner--a yes man-- who goes along just to be friendly and be part of the crowd. 

I want to figure out me, and do intentional things, genuine things--things I really care about, things that are important to me. 

Then again, I'm 28, and so many people didn't really start their careers till their 30s... Jesus, Joseph, most of Austen's writing was in her 30s, etc. So I guess I shouldn't have to wait a few more years, but at the same time, I have time... 

I hope I'll get some clarity as the spring awakens... clarity would be nice.