Knowing who you are and what you are called to...

Ever since I can remember.... or about the age of 11, I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be on Broadway, with a single spotlight on me, belting out songs that made the audience cry from the mysterious beauty and power of my voice. A few years later, I wanted to be an actress and use great comedic timing and my dazzling wit to make people laugh, to be beautiful, to be a positive role model for young teens (even though I was still a teen myself). And of course, I wanted to be a rock star, playing a bass guitar and screaming into the mike while wearing something funky and loud. I wanted to be the next Gwen Stefani and Avril Lavigne...

Ever since I can remember, I have been a singer. My friend Jen will attest to the fact that in kindergarten I used to sit alone on the school bus and sing songs from The Little Mermaid really loud (I didn't realize anyone could hear me). I used to play in the bathtub pretending I was the Ariel, singing her songs loud enough to hear anywhere in our house. I would wander our yard singing like Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) (developing my piercing soprano). In children's choir at church, I would always be stood in the back no matter how short I was and you would hear my big voice over all the other 30-some children. The first time I did karaoke I was 12 on a camping trip with my family. Since most karaoke bars don't let minors in, the next time I performed was when I was 17... the bouncer let us in because we promised we just wanted to sing. Clad in black pleather pants and big attitude, I belted Dancing Queen for the clapping audience in the pub in Vineland. I had my moment on the big stage in my high school performance of Bye Bye Birdie--as Rosie, I had more solos than any other character (mostly reprises, but hey). I danced with a suitcase, I danced on tables, I wowed the audience with a spicy rendition of Spanish Rose... I loved every minute of it.

Even now I love going to karaoke nights at pubs and singing other people's music... Kelly Clarkson, Sheryl Crow, the Dixie Chicks, Aretha Franklin among my normal songs... Amy Winehouse is sneaking in there, as well as, ashamedly, Katy Perry. I always make friends with the karaoke guy, I always have people buying me drinks and cheering me on, and telling me I need to go on Britain or America's Got Talent or X-Factor or American Idol... telling me I could put out an album... in short... even though I'm not famous, I have fans... or potential fans. Last night, my good friend had to tell a table of men to close their mouths... they literally were staring with mouths hung open.

The question is, why DON'T I do it?

When I went to college, I minored in theatre. Though I helped out with numerous productions, I only graced the stage with 1 performance... of about 10 minutes. My director coached me tediously to get me to loosen up on stage. I was terrified, I was nervous... I was uncomfortable on stage, and it showed. Though I had unlimited confidence in high school, it all seemed to melt away when I tried to perform at college... I SO wanted people to admire me, to think I was valuable, and good, that I freaked myself out of the running. I was so shy in college that I made myself immensely busy... too busy to develop any real relationships with the wonderful group of theater majors and minors that I worked with, and I faded into the backstage girl... costumes, props, makeup, etc.

Now, a few years later, I really regret not being closer with this wonderful group of people. I'm ashamed that I let fear of being known keep me from performing, keep me from making friends, it made something that I love doing a burden and a struggle every time I walked through the stage doors.

What does that have to do with anything?

I realized when I was 20 that I really didn't want to be famous. I think having fans and being made a fuss over would really annoy me. I put performance out of my head because I didn't want the pressure of who it would mean I would have to be. AND I'm convinced that if Simon Cowell said something mean to me that I would cry :).

Now I'm 24... soon to be 25, and I MISS performing. Recently I had the opportunity to meet Ben Cantelon, and sing with Tim Hughes and other fairly well-known/famous worship leaders/singers/musicians. They are the most humble, the nicest people I've met in a while. They are approachable and kind to people, and their heart shows in their work. They're NORMAL... having families and responsibilities outside of the Christian rock legend genre. I see them and think, I could do that... I could be normal AND be a singer.

Normally when people in pubs tell me I should be famous, I shyly respond that I'm a teacher... I stand in front of children and teach them grammar, read amazing books with them, and try to teach them to dig deep into life and pull out the true meaning, to wrestle with truth and use literature as an inspiration to live life to the fullest. For now I know this is where I'm meant to be.

I know I am a good singer. I love performing for others and blessing them with my music. I love helping others learn to sing and encourage them in their music. I also know this is not my life-calling. In 2 Corinthians 12: 7b-10, Paul writes "to keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given to me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. ⁸Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, ⁹but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.’ So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong"

I can't decide if music is only supposed to be a hobby... something I do on the side of teaching and writing. I can't decide if maybe it is a thorn in my flesh... a desire that I have, something I love doing, that moves me so much, that inspires me, that I'm not permitted to do seriously. I don't know if I would end up being prideful and horrible if I sang professionally, and this is God's way of protecting me. I don't know.

Many people have told me that if I don't sing I'm wasting my voice... wasting what God has blessed me with. Recently, I asked a few friends to pray for my music, to see if God would let me take it up again. I heard, not right now. Another friend heard that it's not my call... it would never be the main thing I'm meant to do in my life. I think I can accept that. Knowing myself fairly well, I think it would be hard to only sing and give up the classroom, give up books, and teaching. But I do miss music. So right now, I'm holding to opposing things together... the desire to sing, the overwhelming feeling of elation I get when I do sing... and the truth that it's just not my time... it's not my call... it's not for me.

That doesn't make it less difficult.