Small Victories and Finding Freedom: I got my shirt back!

There is something about men that makes them some of the best thinkers, some of the most inspiring artists and musicians, some of the greatest athletes and fiercest warriors in the world... and some of the biggest babies. (Not that women don't have a place, but this isn't about sexism, it's about men).

I do not understand how men can face terrorists, play rugby, and yet run, screaming away from real relationships. There's something profoundly sad about men... I don't know if it's American men and British men, just men in this generation, or if men have been like this throughout time... they seem to lack the ability to face issues in relationships, confront or understand their feelings, or communicate any of this. I don't feel like they are utter jerks and just refuse to, I really feel like there is something in them that just totally freaks out and runs away when these kinds of situations come up.

Today, I got my shirt back. In a makeshift envelope with no return address and no correspondence inside; not that I was expecting any at this point. The past 2 years have been relationship hell for me. The guy I actually was in love with basically communicated that he wanted to marry me and move to the UK to be with me, then got angry when I got excited, and then literally never communicated again except to tell me via superlative on facebook that I am "amazing in general." I have no idea what I did wrong, or right, what I didn't do, anything... I finally had to email his sister to see if he was ALIVE since I live on a different continent. That was hard enough to get over. Then I stupidly rebounded with this guy I work with... and he basically had the emotional maturity of... a prairie dog and when I went home last summer, disappeared. This made work really awkward... again I didn't know what I did. He avoided me very untactfully, diving out of the staffroom when I would enter and avoiding eye contact... awesome.

Then, I went to Edinburgh and got asked out by a pathelogical liar who runs the armor shop. He tried to tell me that he trained Russell Crow in sword play and that he was training to be a knight and when that didn't make me sleep with him, disappeared...

Then... my friend tried to set me up with 2 of her boyfriend's friends... bad idea. One was very strange, and the other one ended up peeing in my bed and trying to sneak out of my flat at 630 in the morning. (No, we didn't... we just hung out). He had the cheek to WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG!!!! Well, when you're 32 and are a BED-WETTER---that's what's wrong!!! He ran away and I spent all day cleaning my bedding.

The next guy I met, was very nice, very cool, but there was no chemistry. He's a great guy and we had a ton of fun hanging out... and then, in his grand romantic gesture, he spills water all over my laptop completely trashing it. Unlike the other guys, he took responsibility for his mistake and I ended up getting a new one. We're cool, I think, but romance is not in our future.

Ok, so the trend is getting better... the last guy was not a total screw up. Next guy, I met in a pub in central London on my housemate's birthday. His one friend was a douche and I ended up bitch slapping him because he tried to lick my face... despite this, the guy wants to go out with me. We have several successful dates, and I actually like him, (meanwhile, guy I work with is sending me very sappy emails and drunkenly telling me he still likes me a lot but can never talk to me) and then... DUN DUN DUN!!!! We have "the talk," more affectionately known as the RDT (relationship defining talk). I want to keep things casual, he doesn't know if he can, he's moving home (to Australia in July). We go to Hyde Park to hang and he starts to feel ill. He goes home and I never hear from him again! I call, he says he needs more time to think about things... ok. Done. I give more time. I give a casual text about 1.5 weeks later. Nothing. Finally, I realize, he has my shirt. Not just any shirt, but a shirt from like 8 years ago when I was a camp counselor for World Cup Soccer Camp at my church. I worked with 5 yr olds... we were Argentina... we made a cheer... the shirt had a lot of memories, and DAMMIT I wasn't going to lose ANOTHER piece of property to some guy who couldn't deal with his feelings.
I finally called a few weeks later and left a message:

1. I don't hate you.
   
2. I don't know what I did.
   
3. This is not what I deserve.
   
4. I get that communicating is hard for you, but
   
5. man-up and do the right thing because
   
6. you're better than this
7. If you can't then at least can I have my shirt back?

Today I got my shirt back. While I'm glad that I didn't lose property, I'm still sad. Maybe it is me... maybe guys just lie to me and tell me they really like me and that I'm great and seem to have a great time while out with me and then disappear because I really suck and they just don't know how to tell me... OR maybe they end up with feelings they can't deal with and have no idea what to say and just disappear.

Maybe I am just a horrible reader of body language and speech... maybe I should just read all the smiles and laughing and cuddles as huge signs that they're miserable and I'm awful.

Maybe I do deserve to be abandoned, left without even a note, a text, a fruit basket, a smoke signal.

Deep down, I don't really think those things are true. I don't think these guys disappearing has anything to do with me... it has everything to do with them, and I'm not mad---frustrated, disappointed, sad for them, but not mad. Lots of people run away from things that make them miserable, but I have evidence of me making people HAPPY and them running away--how awful those conversations with themselves, those fears inside their heads must be for them to run away from being happy.

So what is a girl to do? Nearly everytime I take a risk and go out with someone my property gets damaged or almost disappears. When I do really like someone and they like me, they bail, either right away or after months and years of a relationship. I feel hard and cynical being happy that I got my shirt back and not really being bothered about the relationship. I don't want to become the girl that goes through guys and just turns them into funny anecdotes. I want relationships to mean something and not just because I can trust you not to destroy or steal my things. I want someone who isn't afraid of a relationship MEANING something.

I don't want to feel like if I expect any sort of response or don't want to give up on someone that I'm stalking him or not letting things go... I'm so sick and tired of guys deciding to let things go and not tell me, so I'm sitting here, holding on and falling backwards cause they've let go... and then they get irritated that I held on. If you want something, tell me. I have amazing mental faculties, but clairvoyance is not one of them.

So what can I make of all of this? Where is the closure for me? Well, I have my shirt (small victory) after basically threatening the guy that I would not go away until I got it back. I do have some good stories (sorry guys, you do stupid things, you become the new anecdote, or worse, a character in my novel), and I still have my dignity. I am a bit sad for the guy, but I wish him all the best wherever his life leads him. I am learning that in relationships especially, people often have to tell themselves what they need to hear so they can deal with the decisions they've made. I hope that one day, these guys put on their big boy pants, and just deal with their emotions and life honestly, openly, and are free from whatever makes them run.