Post-it news...

So... watching Sex and the City, yes, I do watch... the episode where Burger (whom I never really liked) breaks up with Carrie on a post-it. He comes back into her life with a bouquet full of pink carnations, spends the night, and disappears leaving a post-it as evidence that he's not coming back.

Seeing her face as she woke up the next morning, rolled over and found out he was gone, I almost wished I got to be angry like that with my last break up. I wish there had been a definitive moment when I knew for certain that it was over. I had quite the opposite. Someone told me he loved me and then never talked to me ever again.

Wanting to be faithful to our relationship I called and called and emailed and humiliated myself beyond recognition, believing he was busy, believing he was being faithful, believing whatever my brain made up so that I didn't have to believe he was gone.

In his book, Donald Miller writes "Anything less than this complete trust...would not be love, anything less than pure trust would be a kind of careful negotiation. A careful negotiation isn't love. A person must be willing to be dashed on the rocks or made the fool in exchange for a relationship in order for pure love to take place."

While I'm sure I did my part in whatever went wrong in the relationship, I do know that I did make myself a complete idiot trying to communicate over the span of a year after our last conversation. I threw myself into the icy ocean of love, believing he would rescue me, being dashed on the rocks over and over waiting, and still to this day haven't heard a word.

In the episode of Sex and the City, Carrie sees Burger's friends at a new club and ends up yelling at them saying "There is a proper and right way to thoughtfully acknowledge what we had together... there is a right way to break up with someone and it doesn't involve a doorman, an email, or a missing persons report."

One thing my breakup didn't have was a fight or any screaming or yelling... except maybe a few times into his answering machine... but it also didn't have any closure. To this day, I have no idea why he disappeared, what happened, what he was feeling and thinking, what I did or didn't do... "what if the parasite got into her brain and ate away the part that was in love with you?" Brian quips to Zach when Lane starts being weird because she's pregnant in Gilmore Girls...

I haven't really been able to move on, not properly anyway, and I don't know if I will be able to... if you don't know what went wrong, how can you move forward?

"Today cannot be the day that I got broken up with on a post-it!"<--- Unlike Carrie, I don't have a day that I got dumped. I'm so pathetic it took me about 6 months to have the "ah hah" he's dumped me moment.

And now, a year and a half later, I'm finally allowing myself to admit just how pathetic and in-love I was. Even though I got dumped and held onto it for 6 months and then ignored it for a year, I do know that I really was in love... I was willing to make a fool of myself, to be made a fool of by him, to dash myself on the rocks, to let him dash me on the rocks, and I've been strong enough to wake up a bit, and start making my way to the shore. I don't know how long it will take me to properly pull myself out and dry off, I don't know how long it will take for me to be able to jump in again, but I did it once... for real, and that's more than many can say.