Confessions...

Ok so my song of the moment is I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
I love peace for melody
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!



I know it's cliche to put lyrics on a blog, but I'm loving it.

((right now there is a little tiny black mouse hiding in my cupboard who keeps running out to run out the door and sees me and runs back)). I don't want him in my room, but I want to see him leave so I know he's gone.

Anyway... confessions. Building on my last post... There is nothing worse than not really knowing where you stand with a person. It's all about perspective, really. In physics there are dots, or points in the time--space continuum, and it's this huge web that goes out infinitely in all directions. It's so easy to think you are in one location on the 3D web, linked into the web with another person. But really, they see you as somewhere else completely, or you don't really know where they see you, so you're kinda floating through space, uncertain of even where you are. Since you don't know where you are, you don't know where to go to get closer or farther away.

I know where I stand with Ben. Ben may be the easiest person to get on with. He has very kind, blue eyes, the color of periwinkles, and a great laugh. He has a thick beard that tickles my nose when I brush my cheek past him as I give him a hug. Ben doesn't have all the answers, but he wants to give things a go, or at least he would if there wasn't this whole London-New York divide, or future divide (he's moving soon).

Mark is a complete mess. Relationships are a complete mess, even if they are just friendships. I just see that he wants things to be easy and the more he wants this, the more complicated I see things get for him.

((I think the mouse is gone now)).

The thing is that women want to feel secure. Mostly anyway. At least I do. If you don't like me, that's ok, I just want know where I stand with men, or with anyone really. If I know the distance between us, I can move up, down, away, closer... etc. I don't think men are very good at making women feel secure, so it's soo terrifying to let go and really let yourself love someone. It's so scary to know they have a lifetime full of relationships and experiences and you want to be the one, the special one, even if you change your mind later (a woman's perrogative).

So you try to control things, and you moan, and you seduce, and you pick fights, and you smooth things over, and you do what you do to stay on top... to keep things moving... to keep things from settling so you both realize one of you, or both of you has chosen something that could be potentially life-changing and permanent and the other one may or may not have chosen as well...

So anyway, I'm speaking for me but not really. So if a woman is feeling insecure, or at least, that seems so, how do you make her feel secure if you are "the friend" of the guy, and not the guy yourself?

I recognize that I am part of the problem... I exist. I am part of the "other experiences that aren't me" that she sees and doesn't know about. She doesn't know, from my heart, that he's my mate and not my lover, and I don't think there's anything I can do to make her see that. She has to choose to have faith in him and in me. But why would she?

I want to believe that I would trust my partner if such occurrences arose, but I can have a jealous nature (depending on how secure my boyfriend makes me feel in our relationship). More and more, however, I'm hearing guys complain about their women being romantic slave drivers, demanding standards of behaviour, etc. and the men behave to a standard to keep their women, but feel rebellious sometimes.

I just feel like this issue is completely backwards. I don't want to feel like I have to moan and crack the whip to exact a standard of behaviour from men. I want to be important enough to them that they WANT to honor our relationship by a standard of behaviour. I want it to be who they are and what they choose not because I'm bitching, but because they're inspired.

I know this all sounds very cheesy and "in my dreams," but I really want to hope that it's real. Not just for me. I want the simplicity of being able to be trust by my friend's girlfriend because she can trust that he won't do anything to jeopardize their relationship, that I won't do anything to jeopardize it... that I'm on "their" side, so to speak.

Technically speaking, I'm on his side... he is my mate... so if he's happy, I'm happy...

Why does life have to be so complicated?