Remembering...

So... I think I am possibly insane. From watching Bridget Jones, I know that friends wait for you to have that perfect boyfriend, only to slag him off as soon as you get one...

In this case, my friends are fine, it's my own psychosis that are playing up.

Today I looked at G's facebook for the first time in a really long time. I don't think I love him anymore, except in the way that I want him to have a good life... but I just wanted to see that he was ok... as ok as facebook might tell me, anyway....

I really hate that we never had closure... I really hate that he gets to just live his life, and move on,... and I have to wonder.... Like he knows that if he never gives it closure, I will never forget him... ever...

He gave me Mr. Darcy... and he always was my Mr. Darcy... for many years... and I was the brazen but wise Elizabeth... I was even stupid enough to imagine that when he disappeared it was like to when Darcy disappeared to sort out the Elizabeth, Wickham, Lydia situation... he's sorting things, he's making things ok for later... riiiiiight... life is usually not like amazing fiction...

Like Elizabeth to Darcy, I never wanted him to be in the world and thinking ill of me... I still think that applies, but I doubt he thinks of me at all... I don't feel hurt or offended by that idea... or I can at least pretend not to be...

It's amazing how even when we're loving someone new... someone so amazing... echoes of past loves whisper in our hearts... big question marks linger... M is so good to me... he loves me so deeply and purely... so well...

Why is love so complicating... "love is so short, forgetting is so long... I no longer love (him), that's certain, but maybe I love (him)."