My life as a secret introvert

I am loud. I am, as some have described me, intense, as others have described me, forthwith. I say, I give it straight. Whatev...

Most people assume this makes me extroverted. Big mistake.

I'm a fake extrovert... loud and proud. Large and in charge... I charm people at work, HBIC of my classroom and department... but get me in a crowded bar or at a party where I don't know that many people and I turn into a mouse.

Many of you will say, "but loads of people are quieter when they don't know people,"... and I would agree. But it isn't "not" knowing people... strangers... I can talk to strangers. I can talk to friends. I don't know how to handle acquaintances. That amorphous category between "people I don't know" and "people I know." Friends of friends... new coworkers... people I've met before but now can't remember. People who's faces are familiar. People at new clubs or the gym or the coffeeshop I always go to, who are also ALWAYS there...

They aren't strangers... cause they aren't that strange anymore... but they don't know me... and it's stressful.

It's stressful because I can be blunt and loud and I have odd tendencies for a sophisticated lady of 27... like, I adore Disney films and can quote most of them, along with Will Ferrell films...

Don't sass me about Jane Austen, and please excuse the random clapping and/or jumping up and down... and the fact that I need coffee to go with my coffee...

But seriously, in my sometimes odd logic, if I don't know these people, then who cares if I'm dancing on the table? And if these people are mah peeps? Then why they hell aren't they up here dancing WIT ME, NAH MEAN?! Oh wait... they are :)

It's that grey area, where you aren't sure if someone is going to laugh at your slightly off-color joke, or be appalled. If they will high five you for your rant on reality tv, or high five your face.

So my issue is, that not only am I stressing in mingling situations, I'm also really holding back. Random nods and kosher, non-committal comments... keep smiling, keep smiling, not too big, you'll look creepy... yes, that's me.

I find small talk exhausting... I don't really follow football anymore... I don't even know how many Kardashian sisters there are... they all sort of blend together to me... Regardless, I get edgy and end up sipping coffee and choking on it while standing in a circle... and it just stresses me out and stains my clothing.

But if I want to meet new people or ever leave my room... I'm going to have to face the awkward music. Instead of just assuming no one else shares my love of Romantic lit and teenage fantasy fiction, I should just honestly answer people's questions when they ask me what books I've read, or like, or what films I've been to lately.

No need to shy away from my passion for rollerblading or crocheting either...

I just need to, as Genie said, beeeee myself... but this is all easier said than done.

After a few "wow, you're interesting" looks, one's confidence does tend to waver, falling back into grinning and nodding and, "Can I get you anything? Where were you on Kate and Will's wedding day?"

But it's much lonelier hiding because you think people won't like you, then if you just showed your true colors and let them judge --- consequences be damned. Who knows? Maybe I'll find another Gabriel Garcia Marquez fan out there, or people who love owls as much as I do, or someone with a penchant for odd hair coloring ideas...

As anyone with basic psych info knows, I've wandered away from the true definition of introvert and extrovert for some of this post... and now I'll wander back.

Seriously, whether or not I'm loud or being my true self in social situations, I still think I'm a closet introvert (oxymoron or redundant?) I do get energy from being alone. I like doing anything alone... I do like hanging out and spending time with people too... don't get me wrong... but I need my alone time.

According to this NYTimes opinion article, collaboration is in, but it's leading to poorer results...

Come to find out, many influential thinkers and people, even people who were very social and moving, are/were introverts who needed that alone time to recharge and borrow into their imagination. Cause if there's one thing it's hard to do with company, it's disappear down into the forgotten dregs of our thoughts and feelings. "They’re extroverted enough to exchange and advance ideas, but see themselves as independent and individualistic. They’re not joiners by nature." 


That's doesn't mean that they can't work collaboratively, it means... they won't just for the sake of it. Somehow this seems better to me. 


As does coffee to go to my coffee... 


JZ over and out.