Swimming to the Deep End

My whole life, I have been successful. I’ve had jobs and gotten opportunities. I worked so hard, and I had to earn everything I’ve gotten. God’s blessed me and guided me and it’s been amazing to see Him working in my life. But now, He’s been speaking things into my future… things that I can’t control. Things that I’m afraid I won’t be enough to do.

I’ve been suffering from aspects of depression since Christmas. My life and my job are growing with God’s blessing, but it’s getting to the point where I don’t believe in myself anymore. It’s like a little kid who knows they can swim in the shallow end… but then they get called out into the deep end, and even though they never need to touch down in the shallow end, they know they can, and they know they’re big enough to walk there on their own if they need to.

God’s calling me out into the deep end… and I know if I don’t stick with him, I’ll fail horrendously. He keeps telling me to trust Him. He keeps telling me to believe in myself, that He believes in me. I keep getting pointed to the story of the loaves and the fishes… where the disciples couldn’t provide what was necessary, but they gave all they had to Jesus, and He made an abundance. I hear it and I know it’s true, and I believe it, but I feel attacked all the time. I have been shutting down, doing the minimum, hiding in my room, sleeping a lot, distracting myself with tv,… I’m just getting by. I’m full of fear… I don’t know if I can do it… and I need help.

I’ve been reading Isaiah 58 over and over… it’s my heart passage:

6 Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of injustice, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? 7 Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover them, and not to hide yourself from your own kin? 8 Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up quickly; your vindicator shall go before you, the glory of the Lord shall be your rearguard. 9 Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry for help, and he will say, Here I am.

If you remove the yoke from among you, the pointing of the finger, the speaking of evil, 10 if you offer your food to the hungry and satisfy the needs of the afflicted, then your light shall rise in the darkness and your gloom be like the noonday. 11 The Lord will guide you continually, and satisfy your needs in parched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail. 12 Your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to live in.

I’ve been listening to “On Christ the solid rock I stand” over and over and “Be Thou my vision” and “In Christ alone”… but I still feel crippled to move forward.

I know He wants me to get my MA in Education. I’m working on a project and it’s the least passionate I’ve ever been about learning.

I’m in a relationship with a man and it’s the most healing and loving, God-centered relationship I’ve ever experienced, and I’m always so scared I won’t be enough and he’ll stop choosing me, even though he only ever moves towards me in love. I never thought I was scared of anything. But really, I’ve made myself “not care” and hardened myself. As God melts me, all the fear is coming out. I need help to live soft and yet empowered. To be as innocent as a dove yet as wise as a serpent.

I feel I’m being called into a different kind of ministry. I feel He wants me to get a PhD in counseling psychology and learn Spanish and move to South America to help women who have been the victims of domestic violence and the machismo culture. God started telling me I would move to Europe when I was 15… I moved when I was 23. A PhD, after my MA would take 6 years total. I don’t have any idea how I’d pay for it… but I’m following him. I bought a book to learn Spanish and I’m going on a mental health and the church conference. I’ve prayed a lot and done research on programs. I’m not scared of any of this… I’m excited to see how and when He makes it work out. It’s the right now stuff I’m scared of… am I effectively leading my team? Am I teaching my students well? Can I keep developing my program? The district advisor wants me to start consulting… How can I lead others and help them do what they do better? As I pray, I feel these things are God’s blessing for this community that I’m helping, but now it’s getting too big for me. I’m running out of my own fish… I’m running out of bread… and I’m really scared. I need to get rid of this fear and get on with it, listening to Him as I go, but I feel so powerless.

But feelings are deceptive... I feel powerless, but it's just a ruse. I'm going to swim out to the deep end, regardless... I'm putting on my flippers... so here's to hoping I can swim... pray for me.